The Diary of Elrond
by leggylover03
Summary: Elrond's diary of his years with Estel
1. Chapter 1

Title: Diary of Elrond

Summary: Elrond's diary from his years with Estel

Disclaimer: I do not own them

A/N: This is merely a parody, and AU Any reviews are welcome, flames are amusing. This is also unbetaed

Imladris year 3021

Small child has entered our realm. He smiled at me, and instantly I was won over. I brought him into my home and call him Estel. The Valar have surely smiled upon me granting me such a gift. I do hope he will learn to cope well.

Month 2 of year 3021

The child I have come to love is an ever fountain of urine. Everytime I turn around he has made another puddle somewhere on my floor, the last I found only by chance as I stepped into it with my bare feet, and went sliding across the floor. Very embarrassing to have Glorfindel find you under your desk soaked in urine.

Month 3 of year 3021

Estel has learned to say Ada and a few other words in elvish now, but I was most shocked when during the formal luncheon he kept referring to the consultant from Dale as the end of a dwarf. I do not know where he has learned such language, and told the consultant as much, but he did not seem to believe me. I came to find out later where he learned such words as I passed Elladan's room. There shall be punishments dished out; perhaps he can scrub the urine stains from my rugs, yes, that is an appropriate thing.

Month 4 of year 3021

Estel has a knack for breaking my things and then trying to cover it up. Already two of my priceless heirlooms have fallen to his clumsy hands. Imagine my embarrassment when I was showing Gandalf my treasures and came across the statue of Olwe, and discovered that his finger had been broken off only to be glued back to his nether regions. I wanted to ask him why, but then I thought of having to tell him the facts of life and decided against it. Gandalf was most amused to see me pulling on Olwe's thing, I slapped him hard across the head, to which he in return bashed me with his staff. I am now going to bed to forget the bump on my head, but first I must discard the finger of Olwe.

Month 5 of year 3021

Today was a good day. At first as we decided to teach Estel how to use the facilities by himself. It was a long task indeed and many hours later he finally went. There were praises all around for him. I even told him he would receive cookies and milk should he do the other in the pot, my mistake. As I walked around the outside of the palace, showing a few guests the gardens, Estel came to me naked from the waist down, feces clinging to his small bottom to tell me he had done as I asked, and he wanted his cookies. I tried to persuade him to go back inside quickly, but he said I did not believe him and then bent over and showed not only me, but the guests his raving achievement. The cookies I am now eating, while I chug this bottle of elvish wine and try to remember that I love my son.

Month 6 year 3021

I had decided to give Estel a pet thinking he was ready. Again I think my brain is not working correctly. Perhaps Gandalf slipped me some ancient potion to dull my thought process last time he visited. Estel was given a small furry creature, not much bigger than my hand. The men call it a gerbil, I call it a disaster.

Estel has taken excellent care of it, for I told him to keep it clean and found it soaking in my bath atop my bathing cloth. He was told to keep it's cage clean, and I found its droppings dumped out over his balcony onto my head, and I told him the pet needed to be fed, this is where my judgment failed me yet again. It was a family dinner Glorfindel and Erestor too. We sat down to find specks in our rice. Thinking it was something new we ate it, very bad tasting, and I scolded the cook. She threw me out of her kitchen and threatened to thrash me with her rolling pin. I went back in to eat and found that the main course was being served.

The venison steaks were steaming and again the cook had used a fair amount of pepper on each one. I was so hungry after not eating the rice that I swallowed it whole without chewing I think. The steak was not to Erestor's liking, but I was not about to face the cook again. Waving his complaints off I went to eat my salad and found a small head sitting in my bowl. It was Estel's pet, and it was eating my salad. I picked it up and flung it onto the table while scolding Estel. The gerbil was frightened and left his fear all over my table. It was only then that we all noticed the pepper was indeed from the gerbil and not the cook.

It is now two hours later, everyone has been purging their stomachs of the gerbil droppings, and I myself have nothing left in my stomach. I shall now go to bed and pray to the Valar that I can remove the bits from my teeth, lest I vomit again.

Month 7 year 3021

I have had a terrible headache for days now, temples throbbing. I have asked that no one bother me, but of course Estel has made himself the exclusion to that rule. He has read me the same book four times even though he knows only two of the words in it. Each time he reads it I wish to bash my head open for it gets more and more absurd, but he has smiled at me, and I cannot resist.

Today I think my headache is the worst and not even Estel's story can affect me any longer. He has left my room, and for that I am glad for now there is silence. I close my eyes and get some much needed sleep an awaken to a clear head. I am relieved but Estel has knocked on the door and entered carrying a tray. He claims to have made me lunch, and I think of how thoughtful that is until I see what is in the bowl. The child has a flair for imagination at least for not only is there sugar and jelly in the bowl but also raw eggs and spinach. My stomach churns at the sight of it, but Estel's pleading eyes give me no other choice and I eat it all. He is gone now, but my headache is back, for I have hurled four times now, and it keeps coming. I am now going to lie down and pray for Mandos to take me away.

Month 8 year 3021

Estel's new game is to hide and then jump out at random moments. I myself was not his first victim. Erestor was in my study when Estel jumped from behind the bookcase. There was a scream which alerted Glorfindel who entered, sword drawn to find it was Estel who had scared Erestor. My advisor was lucky, Glorfindel was not. He was taking his long soak in the tub and found the water was a bit too cold. Silly him went to the door to ask for another pail of hot water, but when he returned and went to get back into the tub Estel jumped up from the water and yelled boo.

Glorfindel lost his footing, and went sliding across the floor, straight into the cook's arms who was holding his hot pail of water. She screamed as he was naked, Glorfindel screamed from the hot water burning his treasures he said, and Estel simply wandered out. It was a sight to behold.

I however found it rather amusing when Elladan was frightened by Estel. Seems he went and hid behind the door and waited till his brother came home. There is but one bathing chamber, and one chamber pot and Elrohir had gotten there first. Estel jumped out at the unsuspecting Elladan, and soon Elladan was found, his leggings soiled, reeking, and very embarrassed. I hid my laughter and scolded Estel, but as I entered the room I burst out laughing. This is why I love Estel so much for he provides me with laughter.

Month 9 of year 3021

It is the fall equinox and we are to have a celebration. The food is prepared, the boys have been drilled in manners and the guest are arriving. All went well until the retreat into the Hall of Fire. I did not know Estel was drinking the elvish wine, not until I found him standing on the top of the table. I thought him only being mischievous until he began to sing some song that I had never heard before. The words I cannot repeat, but I can say that Glorfindel is not a brazen hussy, nor has he ever given his love to the many women. I do not know where he learned such lyrics and before I could get him down, he spoke of Erestor in a dress with red lace covered undergarments. The evening was over, the guest shocked, and Estel passed out. I shall speak to him tomorrow, for now I am going to rifle through Erestor chest of drawers and pray I find no red items of clothing.

Month 10 of year 3021

I have decided that Estel is old enough to go on an outing to the neighboring town. He has not broken, maimed or otherwise caused me grief in over a week. For his reward he shall come along. This is a mistake I see twenty minutes after we arrive. I cannot find him anywhere and I am now frantic. I have searched every store, went into people's houses and trash cans and still his whereabouts eludes me. I have been chased by dogs, had my behind scratched by some deranged lady's feline, and now my son is still missing. I sat down in the middle of the town to think of where else he could be as the twins continued to search, when he fell from the tree, apple in his hand. We are now home, my heart had almost stopped three times, my behind is scarred, and I just woke from a dream where a dog was chasing me. Somewhere the Valar are watching these scenes, and they are laughing, this I know.

Month 11 year 3021

Estel has asked if we will celebrate a day of thanks as the adans do. I have obliged telling him it is a wonderful gesture to honor this occasion. The entire day has been filled with cooking, and the aromas coming from the kitchen are enticing me more and more. I have not dared to enter the kitchen for I have been busy trying to control Glorfindel who has had too much wine. Estel has come to me with yet again another broken object claiming he does not know how it happened and I have gone to check on it. The object restored, we have adjourned to the dining hall for our feast. No food has arrived, and then the shrieks from the cook.

We go to investigate and find Glorfindel very drunk atop the kitchen counter and the turkey firmly wedged on his boot. He claims he was just dancing, and does not know how it ended up there, but I am now eating turkey that has been on his boot, and I remember what he stepped in last week. Estel has sulked, and spoke of revenge, I do not wish to be him later.

Month 12 year 3021

It is time for the Yule celebration. Everyone is excited, and Estel has been good for fear of not getting any gifts, must remember blackmail will work on one so small. I have read the story, it is now time for bed. Estel claims he is not tired though and asks if he can stay up for a bit longer in his bed, and wait for morning. I know he will not make it till then so I oblige. Glorfindel, Erestor and I have all the gifts in a big sack in the closet waiting for the twins to go off to bed. We shall drink a few glasses of wine and reflect on the year we have had. Elladan and Elrohir are taking forever, surely they are tired for Erestor who is not used to drinking has become very drunk. He has asked me about the legend of Kris Kringle, some mythological story made up adan children.

I have told him of this story. hoping he would slow down in his drinking but it was for not, he is drunk. Finally the twins have gone to bed, and Erestor has passed out. I shall leave him there and go to check on Estel before placing the gifts out. Estel is sleeping peacefully, and I am going to my room to change into my nightclothes. I have opened the door to find Erestor in the red lace garments that were spoken of before, my sack of gifts hoisted over his back. I fight him for the gifts, but Erestor is very strong and stubborn. He smacked me with the sack of toys when I grabbed his red lace garment by accident, and now my head hurts but I will not be defeated.

The chaos has awoken all in the house, and soon my door flies open. I am found in a most compromising position as I flail Erestor's head hoping to grab the sack from him. Now Estel is in tears, He claims I have beaten up Kris Kringle and that he shall get no toys. Isn't this supposed to be a warm happy occasion? I am going to bed now. Estel is being comforted by the twins, and I am going to scour the images of Erestor from my brain, we must have a talk about his attire tomorrow. 


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Diary of Elrond

Summary: Elrond's diary from his years with Estel

Disclaimer: I do not own them

A/N: This is merely a parody, and AU Any reviews are welcome, flames are amusing. This is also unbetaed

this chapter may contain scenes not suitable while eating

Chapter 2

Month one of year 3022

Estel has grown weary of the cold in Imladris and I have been worried he would catch cold so we have journeyed to my wife's family in Lothlorien. Galadriel and Celeborn have fallen in love with him, but they do not truly know him as I do.

The evening meal was grand an Estel regaled them with stories of his doings at home. Soon though we wanted time alone and I sent Estel off to bathe, error on my part again. It was as we walked through Galadriel's glade that we found Estel, naked, sitting in her mirror. As we approached he stood, dripping the sacred water from him.

"The water is tainted!" my mother in law had screamed for the next two hours. Estel was so frightened he urinated in the water, I will not be telling her that though.

Month two of year 3022

Galadriel has forgiven Estel, although he is no longer allowed in her glade and he is escorted around everywhere. They thought him harmless this way. Haldir and his brothers were teaching Estel the proper way to hold a bow, but after two ended up with arrows in them, that stopped. I see Estel is becoming bored with no one to talk to. The other elflings have labeled him a troublemaker and refuse to go near him.

It was the last night we were to be there when the last thing happened. I had tucked Estel into bed, telling him goodnight, but he had claimed he was frightened. I told him if he found he could not sleep to come to my flet, my mistake thinking a child could find it in the dark.

Estel awoke frightened but it was not my flet he wandered into but Galadriel's. I have to give him credit for he made no noise in his movements, stealth his friend that night, but it was Celeborn and Galadriel who were surprised even more.

Estel had screamed finding his grandmother less than clothed, and then Galadriel had screamed. This brought every guard within distance to her flet, her naked, the guards an Estel staring.

I was going to mention she should have foreseen it in her mirror, but I thought better of it since the urine incident. I have drank many glasses of wine and begged Haldir to smite me to death, as Estel has asked me to tell him of the body parts of girls.

Month 3 of year 3022

It is Estel's birthday and he is going to be three today. It is not very old to an elf, but Estel claims it is very important. I wish to honor him and have made a cake. Since today is his birthday I have been lenient with Estel, letting him have a bit of leeway when it comes to mischief, must have my head checked for that.

I awoke to find Estel atop the kitchen counter making himself breakfast as he claimed he was old enough. The kitchen was a mess, and I was once again threatened by the cook. She refused to make breakfast after seeing the mess, and then we were all stuck eating what Estel had made, raw eggs and milk.

An hour, and four dry heaves later I went to search out the little imp. I found him with his brothers. Elladan an Elrohir were having a wee bit of target practice, an Estel thinking he was old enough grabbed the smallest bow and notched an arrow. My cries frightened him and he loosed the arrow straight into Elladan's leg. The string of curses that followed were not pleasant.

I have now tucked him into bed and thanked the Valar for him, although I do wonder if he is a test of my sanity.

Month 4 of year 3022

Although only three I have found that Estel can be quite the menace. Glorfindel has now retreated to his room and has not come out for many days. After the incident I can't say that I blame him. It seems when he went for a bath Estel took his clothing and every towel in the room, leaving him nothing but the soap dish to cover his nakedness with. He had made it almost all the way down the stairs to gather up his clothing that he saw was precariously laid across the bannister at the foot of the stairs.

The twins, Estel and I had come from the dining hall to see what was taking him so long when we saw him, naked with a soap dish covering his nether regions. I was shocked and gasped but the giggles from Estel alerted me that he was indeed the culprit. I wanted to punish him then but Glorfindel's dilemma was a bit more in need. He had made it to the bottom of the stairs but when we came out of he dining hall he started backing up the stairs.

Everything would have been fine had the chambermaid not been coming down the steps. They collided and Glorfindel lost his soap dish. The maid screamed as she fell trying to grab Glorfindel to break her fall, but that was not something she should have grabbed. Both ended up at the bottom of the stairs. Now Glorfindel will not leave his room and the maid has sailed.

I went to scold Estel but I found myself laughing so hard I could not. The Valar have sent him to keep me young with laughter, this I know.

Month 5 of year 3022

Estel has been having nightmares of late and he has been sleeping with Elladan. Today however Elladan came to me and refused to sleep with Estel another night. Elladan had bags under his eyes as if he hadn't slept in weeks. I scolded him for his harshness, and sent him on his way.

Tonight I tucked in Estel beside me in the bed, and kissed him goodnight. I rolled over wondering how could Elladan throw him out when he looked so sweet as he drifted off to sleep.

One a. m I have found Estel laying across my feet, his body keeping me from being able to roll over at all. I have placed him back under the covers and tucked him in.

Two a.m I have awoken to find Estel's head laying again on my feet, and his feet precariously close to my midsection. I have again tucked him back under the covers in hopes that this time he stays.

Three a.m Estel has awoken and gone to the bathroom, crawling over me in the process and making enough noise to wake the dead. Once done he came back and crawled over me again, his knee finding places to support him on his way that made me bite my tongue to keep from screaming. I hope he finally goes to sleep for I am tired.

Five a.m I can't breathe something is taking away my air supply and I panic. I open my eyes and find it is not some foul creature that has made it inside the palace, but instead it is Estel's pinky toe wedged firmly in my nose as he lays facing my feet fast asleep. Tomorrow he is sleeping with Erestor, for to wake up with a toe in your nose is a thing I never thought to happen.

Month 6 of year 3022

We have gotten Estel a cat to keep him company around the house when the rest of us are busy. Estel has already trained the kitten to go outside to use the bathroom and I am very proud, but we have been told by the men in Dale visiting that we should have the kitten fixed before he starts to mark his territory.

The kitten has started sleeping at the foot of my bed. I find it very touching that it trusts me enough to sleep with me and the soft sound of it purring lulls me to sleep. I do not know how the men of Dale can speak of fixing an animal like this kitten, for all I can see wrong with it is that it is too cute.

I am dreaming of Celebrian, she is whispering her love for me in my ear, I am excited. It is then in my dream that she begins to nibble my ear, I find this wonderful, and squeeze my eyes shut waiting to see what else she will tell me, but I wonder why she is pouring water into my ear. I sit up in bed, and my ear is indeed wet. It is a dream or does she stand here in the room awaiting me?

My hand reaches up to wipe the water away and then it hits me, the smell. I turn to see the kitten lifting it's leg and relieving itself on my pillow, marking its territory as animals do. I scream for now I know what is in my ear.

I jumped from the bed, running into Erestor's room, flinging the door open as I enter. My advisor is sitting in bed reading when I explain to him that the cat has urinated in my ear, marking his territory. Erestor spews the sip of tea he has just taken into my face and bursts out laughing.

"Cat.. urine ... in your ear!" he says his laughter irritating me.

"I smell like cat urine, my ear has been used for a toilet and my advisor has tears rolling down his face as he laughs at me."

The cat is going to be fixed tomorrow, and is never sleeping with me again. I must now go and soak my head an ear in water for many hours, hoping I do not go deaf from it, I hope being underwater drowns out the snorts of cat.. urine! oh Valar how funny is that, as Erestor is still laughing about it.

Month 7 of year 3022

It is true that children will put anything into their mouths and then try to eat it. Just today I found Estel eating mud pies as he called them, and I sent him directly upstairs to bathe. He came out squeaky clean, but not but an hour later I found him eating the glue in my jar in my study. I have since washed his mouth out and sent him into the playroom where there is nothing but old Yule ornaments and a few of Arwen's dolls.

The rest of the day has gone by without Estel being found eating anything else, although he was looking very guilty when I came to get him from the room for dinner. Two hours later I found out why. Estel called to me from the bathroom, screaming that I should hurry.

I ran in and asked him what was the trouble when he turned around and I saw tinsel, non digested tinsel hanging from his backside. The sight of it made me turn three shades of green, but I knew I would have to remove it, as Estel could not.

"Hurry Ada, you are killing me!" Estel screamed.

"I would not have to be doing this at all if you had not eaten the tinsel now hold still," I rebuked. The task was making me gag, the dry heaves threatening to have me spill my dinner beside me. I beat my head on the toilet, begging the Valar to save me from the task.

I could hear footsteps approaching the door and Glorfindel stuck his head in.

"Elrond, I came to see if you needed any help," but at the sight of the task the words Sweet Valar... oh no came from his mouth. He quickly gagged, his eyes watering as vomit poured from his mouth all over my boots. I cannot move, the shock of what has just happened, and what I am doing stunning me for a second. My revenge is sweet though as I pull hard, with all my strength to remove the last of the tinsel and hand it to Glorfindel.

I stroll from the room to go and bathe for many hours, and the thud of Glorfindel hitting the floor is a solid victory. I hear Estel yelling that Glorfy is puking but I keep walking. If you must do disgusting things as a father then why not make it a family task. The thought of Glorfindel laying on the bathroom floor, poo filled tinsel in his hand, while he leans over the toilet make me laugh. It is good to be the only one with a lock on his bedroom door.

Month 8 of year 3022

Last week I obtained talcum powder from one of the travelers coming through Imladris. I have been out of this since his last visit and bought a vast amount. Arwen especially likes it. I had gone to check on Estel who I found was napping and thought it would be a good time to sit down and finish up some much needed work, but that was not the plan of Estel it seems.

I went to waken him from his nap and found his entire room covered in my freshly bought powder. It looked as if it had snowed in the room, and when I sat down in the chair a puff of white smoke came billowing up. I yelled for him, and sure enough my so called innocent son came from behind the door, covered from head to toe, even his hair was white.

I told Estel to sit and wait for me to come back with water, but the gods have deemed it necessary to have a bit of fun. Glorfindel walked into Estel's room to inquire of my whereabouts and found the solid white Estel. He ran from the room screaming, They shall not take me back." Seems Glorfindel is a bit skittish around so called ghosts. I must admit now after cleaning him up a bit the sounds of Glorfindel praying in the next room to remain in Arda is a bit funny.

Month 9 of year 3022

How can so much fluid come from one child? Estel has grown ill and I am at a loss. He has rid his stomach of all that was in it, and everything that he takes in makes him vomit again. As a father I cannot deny my child anything so when he wakens and begs me for something to drink I give it to him. Am I wrong knowing it will only appease him for mere minutes before he vomits it up, or is it that I can't deny his pleading and begging me?

How does a father look into his child's eyes and tell him he cannot help him? This has never happened to me before and I am at a loss. Each thing causes pain, for to give him water will hurt him, but to look into his eyes and see him pleading to me for it, begging even rips at my heart. Tomorrow he should be fine, but tonight I will be crying along with him.

Month 10 of year 3022

Paint an Estel do not mix. Erestor gave the child a set of paints and now I have given Erestor the job of cleaning the walls in the foyer. Guests do not like to see pictures of elves drawn as stick people, for elves are a proud race, and one not well depicted by a three year old.

Month 11 of year 3022

Rule number forty-two, do not give Estel anything to cut with. Rule number sixty-five do not tell him that he can fix your hair after giving him said cutting instrument earlier in the day. It is a sad fact I write here today for the cook's helper is bald in places, and the cook has sailed to Valinor. The helper has claimed Estel is really a minion of Sauron to kill us off one by one, an Estel is still smiling. This entry must end for Estel has gone looking for Erestor to give him a haircut an advisors are hard to come by.

Month 12 of year 3022

Estel is once again excited about Yule. I must say he has not shaved, dirtied or otherwise inflicted pain on anyone in days. I am impressed. I have spent close to the entire night wrapping everyone's gifts and now I am tired. The bed seemed to engulf me and I was fast asleep within minutes. It is now five in the morning, the sun is not up, but Estel came in here to announce it would be in an hour before going back to his room.

I was having the most beautiful dream of a walk along the white shores, and now Estel is jumping up and down on my bed yelling about Yule is here." I wish to sleep, but Estel says we must get up and see what has been brought. I tried to stay in bed, I argued the point of waiting, but after four hops up and down on my pillow and one tiny foot wedged in my rear trying to push me from the bed I am up.

Yule is over, there is a stack of wrapping paper two feet tall in the Hall of Fire, toys strung from here to there and Glorfindel is slurping eggnog out of the bowl like a heathen cow. I am going back to bed and hope to sleep for the next week. 


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Diary of Elrond

Summary: Elrond's diary from his years with Estel

Disclaimer: I do not own them

A/N: This is merely a parody, and AU Any reviews are welcome, flames

are amusing. This is also unbetaed

this chapter may contain scenes not suitable while eating

Chapter 3

Month 1 of year 3023

Yule is over, an Estel is happy with his wooden sword. Erestor was unceremoniously given a quick course in avoiding children when Estel accidentally knocked him unconscious while playing. He has since asked that we not mention it, but Estel regales him daily with an account of it.

Month 2 of year 3023

Estel has told me how men celebrate their love for one another and claimed I needed someone. I tried to explain to him that I was not in need of love, but Estel being so young I do not think he understood.

After a long day I was going to retire to my room. I went in and undressed the cool, clean sheets feeling wonderful, but I rolled over and found another in my bed. I jumped up, dragging the sheets with me; my mistake. In my bed laid an adan women of whom I do not know. She was nude, and from the looks of her highly intoxicated. She spoke of the love I needed, and how she would give it to me.

I wanted to yell, but did I really wish for the guards to come in my room just now. I did not have to worry for long as the lady jumped to her feet and let out some sort of war cry before she dived for me. The room was suddenly filled with not only Erestor and Glorfindel, but the twins as well.

I was horrified, but none more when the lady climbed upon my back and started to lick my ears. I carefully removed her, but was shocked when Estel walked over to the naked lady and started talking to her.

Everyone is now back in bed, and I have explained as best I could to Estel that I am not in need of his help in finding a valentine. Now I am off to sleep, my bed empty, the door locked.

Month 3 of year 3023

Estel is now four summers and today is his party. I have given him his first pony and he is overjoyed. He has called the horse Star in the westron tongue. The party was wonderful, the food glorious. Everyone is so happy and the day has been without incident.

I have gone to the stables to retrieve Estel who I have found sleeping in the stall with his new pony. It is times like these that a father treasures and even stepping in the horse manure on the way out the door could not even ruin it.

Month 4 of year 3023

Once again we have visited Lothlorien, the trauma of our last visit forgotten. The day was well, even Estel behaving. Elladan an Elrohir went in search of Haldir and his brothers while Estel sat with me and listened to tales of old.

Dinner went by without any problems an Estel was reminded once again to not go near Galadriel's mirror. She has since purified it. I retrieved Estel for bed and told him once again not to go to the his grandmother's flet. He has assured me he would not, but I underestimated the twins.

Seems they have persuaded Estel to sneak to Haldir's flet and adorn him in flowers and Arwen's gown. I would have thought this task impossible, but the twins snuck a sleeping draught into his tea.

The shrieks were immediate, the guards coming, bows drawn to find Haldir looking very much like a she elf. I have had to cover Estel's ears to avoid him learning anymore curses in many tongues.

Haldir has claimed that Estel is a minion of Sauron, sent to take down all the elvish realms, but that may be because he still cannot remove the red coloring Estel put on his lips and cheeks. We have departed, and as we rode away we saw Haldir standing guard, although he looked very much like a demented clown.

Month 5 of year 3023

Today Erestor gave Estel a dog, one that has been wandering around Imladris lately. I of course did not approve, but the look of joy on Estel's face had me giving in. I have since found the error in my judgment. Seems the dog can and will eat anything. The twins were furious when they found their bows chewed into pieces, and Glorfindel told me that his report for the guards had mysterious teeth marks in it.

The dog must go! Everytime I turn around I find it's droppings in some corner of the palace. Three pair of my boots are now outside because the smell was overbearing. The chambermaid said it jumped into the fresh linens and relieved itself, and my favorite leather chair has been scratched.

The formal dinner for the dwarven delegates is tonight. I have enjoyed not seeing Estel's new pet for hours now. I do hope it has not been into any mischief. I went into my room and dressed in my formal robes, and noticed the air was a bit chilly. I made myself a mental note to put an extra blanket on Estel's bed later and then preceded to the dining hall. Needless to say when I opened the door the first thing my eyes saw was the mangy dog. Ignoring my distaste for the animal I walked past the others and stood at the head of the table.

Everyone stared at me, and it was not until Elladan burst into a fit of laughter that I knew the draft I felt earlier was not the night air but the gaping out in the rear end of my robes. The dog, brainless as ever rushed over to me and wished to be petted. I ranted, I raved and for all my words I only frightened the dog into making a puddle on my shoe. I have since left the dining hall and the four dwarves who were laughing. The night is hopeless I am going to bed.

I enter my room and remove the soiled boot and the ripped robes and go to bathe. The bath relaxed me and I almost feel calm until I turn back my sheet and find the lovely aroma of the dog's present he left me. I am now going to sleep in the guest room and tomorrow the dog is mysteriously going to wander off.

Month 6 of year 3023

A very pale Glorfindel visited me today in my study followed by Estel who was looking very cross. It seems one of the she elves is with child an Estel has asked Glorfindel where babies come from. I have excused him to go and get a breath of fresh air as he was all to pale, and shaking too.

Being he Lord of Imladris has given me a chance to do many tasks that were not appealing but I did them nonetheless. I sat Estel down and started to tell him how girls are different from boys. How boys had things girls did not and so forth, but it seems Estel is far more inquisitive than I expected. Estel has asked me to show him what I am referring to, not able to actually pronounce the word.

I do not think any of the she elves in Imladris would demonstrate I try to explain so Estel has asked me to draw him a picture. I can't bring myself to draw such a thing, and find myself stuttering and sweating profusely. After three sips of water I tell Estel that I do not think I can draw well enough to show him.

Never have I been more shocked than when Estel drew me a rough sketch of what he labeled girls. I must have seemed quite the sight for Estel has asked if I would like for him to tell me what he drew. My breath has caught in my throat, and I am without an answer.

I quickly usher Estel out the door, and find Erestor. My faithful advisor has no idea what is about to be bestowed upon him. I tell him Estel needs answers to some questions he has, an Erestor's face lit up, always ready to teach.

Erestor did not show up for dinner. I was told by Estel he grew very pale and then fainted. I will have a vengeful advisor come morning, but for now I have avoided telling Estel about girls and boys.

Month 7 of year 3023

Tonight Estel is supposed to have a few friends over to spend the night. It seems some of the neighboring children of Dale have found Estel to be a good playmate and I am glad for it.

The afternoon went well with the three boys showing up around seven. I thought they were very polite as their parents came in to give their greeting before they left, I must be losing my sense of foresight.

Within an hour my head began to pound from the constant whooping noise coming from upstairs. Twice I have threatened to send them home, but I think even at their age they know that I cannot send them home in the middle of the night.

It is now one in the morning and they do not seem as if they will tire out. The kitchen has been raided no less than three times, and there is a trail of cookie crumbs to match the split juice on my favorite rug.

Three a.m and I am without any sanity left. The children of Dale are never coming back to Imladris again! Glorfindel has threatened to throttle them all, an Erestor has gone into the room only to be tackled by all three and jumped on till I think his kidneys almost burst. I cannot take much more, and should I lose all sanity I have left, and am found sitting in the corner drooling on myself come morning this entry shall be my record of proof.

Month 8 of year 3023

Last night was a testament to the imagination of children. Estel it seems had a bad dream and then came running into my room to inform me that there was a monster in his closet.

I took Estel back to bed an assured him that no such monster was there, kissed him goodnight and went back to bed. The following night Estel once again came into my room claiming there was a monster in his closet. He would not be sated with assurances that there was not, and I finally relented and let him sleep with me.

Two days have gone by and I am without sleep. Estel has tossed and turned and stolen the covers and my pillow. Half asleep I go to sleep in his bed, giving up my own in search of much needed rest. His bed is quite comfortable and soon my eyes are glazing over in sleep, only to be opened wide when I hear scraping coming from his closet.

I throw my legs over the side of the bed, and think of calling Glorfindel, but as he has yet to return from his last venture out with the twins I cannot. Summoning my courage I go to open the closet door, and find Glorfindel, bound and gagged inside.

Once released he ranted and raved using many curses telling me how Elladan an Elrohir locked him in there days ago an only came to give him water. Seems he was going to reveal to me one of their secrets.

I am now back in bed. Glorfindel has gone off in search of his own, after I promised him he could personally wake the twins come morning. Estel's monster is gone, but a new one has been awoken in Glorfindel's wrath.

Month 9 of year 3023

The leaves are turning wonderful hues of gold and red, and Estel has challenged me to come and jump into the piles. I have told him that I am too busy to play right now, so he has enlisted his brothers to play with.

An hour later I feel quite somber as the sounds of laughter drift up to my window. The boys below sound as if they are having fun, and being the Lord of Imladris I am once again swamped under mounds of paperwork. Sighing I return to it, knowing it will not get done otherwise.

It is now time for dinner, the stack of papers are finished and I am going to go out an enjoy the last few minutes before dinner with my sons, but when I go outside I see no sign of them, only the huge pile of leaves.

I call them but no one answers, but as I walk past the pile of leaves a hand reaches out and grabs my foot dragging me into the pile. Soon I am covered from head to toe in leaves, the children all laughing.

The cooks have sent Glorfindel out to find what is keeping us and we drag him too into the game. Much later the leaves are scattered and will have to be raked again, but the afternoon has been well spent. Now I must retire for I have leaves in places I did not know I had.

Month 10 of year 3023

The month has gone by with hardly any threats of death from the staff or my advisors. This is highly usual an I must remember to tell Estel how good he has been. He is often naughty so that when he is good I feel the need to praise him.

He asked only this morning if he could partake in an adan festivity, an I said yes. Seems some of the children get together for candy and games, but the sight before me when I went into his room ... it was not pretty. There were sweets of every shape and size, truffles, tarts, and even candies. Estel sat amid a pile of crumbs and wrappers larger than himself, covered in chocolate.

It is now seven hours and four headaches later an Estel is still going strong, I have tried to sleep, but he jumped on my bed, turning flips. I told him to settle down but that seems impossible. Note to self ... ask before allowing him anymore adan customs.

Month 11 of year 3023

It is again time for the feast of thanks. The turkey is carved, the potatoes piping hot, and the cider fresh. I have asked each of my family to tell why they would like to give thanks. Everyone has blushed and declined the offer, but Estel has gladly said he would give thanks for each of them. I was pleased to see that he was being so grown up about it till I heard his thanks.

For Erestor he said he was thankful that I had not found the various drawings hidden in his mattress, for the twins he was thankful that I had not found out they were the ones who broke then vase in the hallway, and for Glorfindel he was thankful that Estel was the only one he woke when he snuck the she elf into his room last week.

Everyone at the table is now silent but Estel says he is not quite finished. I am scared truly to learn what else he may say. He stands in his chair an announces to everyone that he is thankful that his Ada has the biggest ... and that is when Elladan jumped up and covered his mouth. I have spewed wine all over Erestor as I choked on it, an Estel has bitten Elladan's finger. He is rather angry and tells Elladan he is rude for not letting his finish. I am thankful that his answer was heart.

Month 12 of year 3023

Another year has passed, and I wonder how time seems to go by so fast for me now. Before that amount of time would be but a blink of an eye, but now it is not. The Yule celebration was wonderful, filled with gifts and song. The food was plentiful and we were surrounded by friends and family. I am at peace once again, an Estel has asked me if Santa will come.

I have assured him that indeed Saint Nicholas will visit him this evening once he is in bed asleep. Without another word he has bid everyone goodnight and gone to bed, and now the adults are mingling.

The wine was too plentiful, and I find myself very drunk. I know I have to lay out the presents for Estel, but the bag is so far away. I stumble many times to get across the room, as Erestor has passed out in the middle of the floor. I cannot let this deter me for his last Yule he was upset, and I wish this one to be better.

I have finally reached the bag of gifts for him. I carefully lay them out, and then proceed to crawl next to Erestor and lose all sense of being.

I am being poked, and find Estel staring down at me, his eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. I go to sit up and my hand slips into a puddle of drool left by Erestor. Estel's new bow is braided into Erestor's hair, his wooden ship that was carved, floating in the basin of wine, which would not have been that bad had Glorfindel not been lapping at it as if he were a dog.

An hour later Estel is sitting with his gifts happy once more and I have a very large headache. Next year there shall be no wine at the Yule celebration, and now I am off to bathe as I smell of wine and drool, and strangely like cheese. 


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Diary of Elrond

Summary: Elrond's diary from his years with Estel

Disclaimer: I do not own them

A/N: This is merely a parody, and AU Any reviews are welcome, flames are amusing. This is also unbetaed

Chapter 4

Month one of Year 3024

The twins have decided to take Estel out to play in the gardens. I myself was in need of a little quiet time so their idea was more than welcome. The day started out well with me making lots of progress on the report I needed to finish; when the sound of wails came from the gardens. I rushed down to find the twins carrying Estel back inside.

From the sound of his wails I thought he was injured, bleeding even, but I found no blood once I got his clothes off. Questioning the twins I discovered that Estel had tried to use a board for a sled and now had a splinter embedded in his arse it seemed. Trying to give Estel some privacy I took him upstairs to attend to it in my room, but I soon found that Estel wanted me no where near his splinter.

I called for Elladan and soon I had been kicked, along with Elladan. It seemed to become even more brutal as I hovered over Estel with the needle, trying my best to get the splinter out while Elladan held him, my mistake as Elladan received a nasty kick to the head, splitting his lip.

I knew then I would need more help and called in Elrohir. I tried to work diligently to remove it but Estel squirmed more and more, screaming that I was indeed killing him.

After Elrohir was kicked in his nether region yet again, I was more than determined to get the splinter out. I yelled for anyone nearby to come and help. Erestor and Glorfindel came into the room swords drawn, ready to kill whomever had entered the palace. When they found us holding Estel down, trying to dig out a splinter they both burst out laughing.

It has now been over an hour and no one is now laughing. Estel is all smiles as the splinter is gone, and he is having ice cream, given to him by the cook. The rest of us are trying to heal from various injuries given to us by a child. Glorfindel an Erestor are no longer laughing, and have asked that I not call them for the next splinter removal. Who knew a child of almost five summers could take down five elves.

Month two of Year 3024

It is again what Estel calls the month on love. I have forewarned him that any uninvited company in my room was not acceptable, and he assured me there would be none. I have received many gifts from my family and a few from she elves who wish my attention.

I love only Celebrian but I think the gesture is nice just the same. There have been flowers, and candy, more than I could possibly eat in a month's time. Just when I thought there were no more gifts yet another arrived. A statue of me standing over a foot tall, made entirely of chocolate. It was extremely well made, but the she elf did not have to make it so genuine as to add my unseen parts.

Glorfindel has choked on his tea as he scanned the statue that the cook decided to leave on the table, but when he asked if she truly knew the measurements were right I flogged him about the head until he stopped.

Estel has asked for dessert but I have told him he must finish his meal first. In hopes of chocolate he did, eating even his peas. I told him he could sample any chocolate he wished and found that he climbed onto the table and started to chew on my statue.

"Estel!" I yelled, "Do not lick the top of my head, be it on a statue or not."

Estel pouted and left the table and some time later I found him sulking in the Hall of Fire. Everyone else enjoyed treats of various flavors, passed around for all to savor. I myself had a mint covered in chocolate which I thoroughly enjoyed, but Estel refused all sweets given to him.

I must admit my heart went out to my sullen son and I relented.

"You may have one bite of any chocolate in the house, but only one and then I wish you to return to bid me a goodnight."

I was telling everyone how Celebrian and I met when Estel came back into the Hall of Fire to bid me goodnight, but in his hand was indeed the chocolate statue. I was furious, glaring at him, and he backed away.

"You said I could have one bite and I only took one bite, honest Ada," he said, his eyes watering.

My anger subsided instantly realizing that he was correct, till I heard the giggles from Elladan behind me. Turning I glared at my son, wondering what he was pointing at. When I looked down I saw what it was, Estel had truly taken one bite, the wrong bite and now my statue was lacking a very vital piece.

Estel is now in bed, and I have been left staring at the statue. Glorfindel an Erestor have both made comments about it, and have been threatened. Why in Valar must Estel have chosen there, why must he have bitten of that of all things? It puzzled me to no end and I found I could not sleep.

Estel awoke the next day bright an early and told me why he did indeed. "It was the only part that was not like the rest and I didn't think you would notice it was gone."

I have been stunned into silence yet again. I have given Estel permission to eat the rest of the statue for quite frankly an elflord without his part, is but a half an elf.

Month 3 of Year 3024

Another year has passed and I wonder where the time went as Estel is now five summers. He had a wonderful birthday in which we, as a family spent the day together. I do not often get away from my mundane duties as Lord of Imladris often, but I can say that I enjoyed a day of simply chasing my son through the gardens, and eating birthday cake with my hands via requested by Estel. A mortal life is far too short to miss out on all the good things.

Month 4 of Year 3024

It seems my sons have decided they will pull a prank on me. I have told them time and time again I do not wish to be the subject of their pranks, but they will not be deterred. I return from my bath to find my clothes had been stolen. Little did my sons know I had hidden an extra pair underneath the sheets of my bed. I dressed myself and went down the hall laughing as I went.

Lunch was getting cold and I was very hungry. My sons were late an Erestor has asked about their whereabouts. I coughed and then burst into laughter as I pointed at the doorway they had just come in.

"Milord they are in nothing!" Erestor screamed trying to cover them with napkins.

As I have told them before I too can pull a prank and all three of my sons standing before me in napkins has proven my point. Today is going to be a good day.

Month 5 of Year 3024

It is now quite warm outside and Estel has asked me if we may have a celebration. I asked him why and he said that we didn't need a reason. I have agreed this time, but I have warned him. If he shows up one more time with so much as a smear on him, then there will be no more celebrations.

The day has come for the party and all have been invited, even Haldir and our family from Lorien. I am very glad I do not have to explain the behavior of my son to anyone today for he seems quite well mannered and the Valar willing, clean. Every party we have Estel seems to come in tattered, torn, or filthy from head to toe.

During the party Estel has come to me and told me if his need to use the restroom. I cannot simply stop in the middle of the party and take him all the way back across the archery field, to the palace so I tell him to go into the woods and relieve himself. He told me that was unacceptable as there was no where to wash up afterwards.

I got angry with him then and my words were harsh. I told him to do whatever he had to do but not to show up here dirty an embarrass me today.

Thirty minutes later I begin to worry but then I see Estel sitting next to the punch bowl and my mind is again sated. He is still clean and I feel bad for my earlier harsh words. I know I must speak to him later an apologise for them. I turn around to find a very angry Haldir stalking towards me, and I wonder why, I soon find out.

"Your son ... Haldir grumbles to me. I can see he is to the point of wanting to choke someone and I have to wonder what Estel could have done this time, but my nose catches a very bad smell and I noticed it is coming from Haldir.

I back away, but he keeps coming towards me. I am almost to the point of pushing him away when he finds his courage to speak again.

"Your son has relieved himself somewhere and felt the need to rid any traces of it upon my robes."

I am appalled at his statement for Estel seemed so clean.

"It could not have been Estel," I tell him. "Look for yourself, even his hands are spotless."

Haldir then broke into a morbid sort of laugh and smiling sweetly to me he said, "Oh yes Lord Elrond I am sure they are clean since he rinsed the remainder of his misdeeds in the punchbowl."

I am horrified, and then sick. I have since flung the contents of my cup to the ground then purged my body of it over the bushes. The guests were quite startled when I flung their cups from their hands and then dumped the punchbowl. I even heard one speak of how mental I was when my adan son was being so well mannered.

There shall be no more celebrations till Estel an I have a talk, but first I think a long bath is in order.

Month 6 of Year 3024

The warmth of summer has descended upon Imladris. Well, warmth for Estel as he feels the elements much more than we. I do not however think to find him in such a state as the other day.

Estel was sleeping in as he sometimes does after sneaking downstairs in the middle of the night to snitch cookies from the kitchens. A few of the rangers stopped in carrying one of their wounded and while they were here the family was introduced. The twins were very cordial and I thought I should not leave out Estel.

I told them to be very quiet as not to wake him, and they all agreed they would be silent. I casually opened his bedroom door, and gasps were heard all around. I turned to see what it was and found Estel laying naked atop his covers, his backside sticking straight up in the air.

I have since convinced the rangers that we do indeed allow him clothes, and thought at one point I was going to have to restrain one of them. Estel and I have now spoken about proper bedtime attire, and the need to keep it on regardless of how hot he becomes during the night.

Month 7 of Year 3024

We are to have an outdoor luncheon followed by Mithrandir giving us a wonderful fireworks display. I was looking forward to the meal and just relaxing around friends and family. I often ask myself why I bother to lull myself into a sense of security, for I should know by now that nothing that goes on here could end in anything short of disaster.

The meal went by without incident, wonderful food, the desserts nothing short of pure bliss. I gathered my children around to watch the fireworks display and noticed Estel smiling from ear to ear. I should have known right away that it was an omen of something to come, but alas I did not think.

The first firework burst into the sky, bringing about a shower of sparks of red and blue to the amazement of all, but the second did not. When Mithrandir set off the next it did not go up, but rather towards one of our guests. I have to give the man credit as he tried to run from it, but soon he was overtaken and the firework danced merrily giving off sparks in his pants.

I have tended his wounds, and washed my hands many times for no one should have to slather salve there be it man or elf. Estel has taken his punishment but his brothers have told him that raking the stalls was worth it to see someone dance like that while green sparks shot out from his underwear.

Month 8 of Year 3024

Autumn as the adans call it. I treasure the time of year when the leaves change, the beautiful reds and golds that surround us. I even sit upon my balcony at times and just stare across Imladris at it for hours. I do not however enjoy that wonderfulness brought to me as Estel has.

He caught me enjoying the view and asked me why. I later found a pile of leaves in my bed and all about my floor. I do not know why he does these things, but secretly I enjoyed it. I will never tell him though for that will only provoke similar behavior and his mind is already filled with bad deeds to come.

Month 9 of Year 3024

Today I sat in my study with Estel. He was being very quiet, playing with his soldiers that Glorfindel had carved him. It had been a beautiful present, not only elves and men were carved by but also animals and other things.

I was amused as he acted out different battles while he played, but I was most appalled when he took the figure he aptly named Erestor and then a she elf carving and placed them together. I must say my mouth grew dry and fell open as I watched for minutes to see what would become of this reenactment.

I have since flung the figures from his hand, and washed them repeatedly. I must speak with Erestor, for according to Estel's account of the events he was swinging from my crystal chandelier while beating his chest, and screaming a war cry.

Month 10 of Year 3024

The pumpkins are carved, the seeds roasted and the candy eaten in large amounts. I have since gone to bed, very tired and happy that I have had a nice evening. I dream of goblins and ghosts for some reason, very disturbing.

I am tossing and turning seeing these creatures in my dreams, a product no doubt of the vast amounts of sugar in my system when I dare to awaken. Above my bed is Estel, except his face is ashen as if in death.

I scream, my bowels and kidneys released themselves, and then I blink again and see that Estel is being held above my bed with wires by the twins. I hope they leave soon for the smell has reached my oversensitive nostrils and I am sickened by it. Alas, fate shall not be kind an Estel has told me that I smelled like the horse stalls and then fled from my room. He did not understand why I smelled by my sons will no doubt explain. I am doomed for the next month I am quite sure.

Month 11 of Year 3024

The feast of Thanks is here. This is one of my favorite feasts, and one I truly enjoy for everyone is thankful and usually good. This year dinner went by without incident, even Estel behaving. I smile at all my children, staring at them and remembering why I love them so.

I go to my room to retire for the night, changing into my night clothes, but I hear a commotion in the hall. I ignore it as I am tired and in need of rest.

It seems like only a short while since I have closed my eyes when I am rudely awakened by my door being flung open. As I rub the sleep out of my eyes I see that it is not a she elf in my room but Glorfindel in one of Arwen's dresses.

"I beat on your door, and when you did not answer I came in. See what your sons have done to me!" Glorfindel starts yelling.

I see that he is in a dress but I also see his hair is sticking out everywhere. I inquire as to what transpired.

He has told me the men of the neighboring town found him on the outskirts in a dress. They had been drinking heavily, and thought him a female. This is the point where Glorfindel begins to yell at me.

"The groped me, pawed at me, an adorned me with a floral crown upon my head! They even made me a necklace of cranberries for the holiday, but the drunk man missed!"

I ask Glorfindel what he meant and found myself covering my laughter when he told me. I have bid him goodnight, but he claims he is not returning to his room, and has told me to scoot over.

I am now in my bed, Glorfindel smelling like booze and flowers, and yet I am thankful that he understood I would cut off any limb that touched me in the middle of the night.

Month 12 of Year 3024

Yule, a word that means the love of family on a crisp winter's morning. I awaken to find my children are downstairs and are ready to open gifts. Paper has been flung about, yells of happiness rang throughout the house, and then I stare down at a gift in my lap. I open it and find that it is a small carving of me with Estel sitting in my lap.

This bring tears to my eyes and I know why I do not kill them during the rest of the year. I hug Estel and tell him how much I enjoy the gift, and then I find myself chasing him later when he tries to take my slice of cake. The coming year is sure to bring him new ideas, and I hope my immortality can withstand them. 


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Diary of Elrond

Summary: Elrond's diary from his years with Estel

Disclaimer: I do not own them

A/N: This is merely a parody, and AU Any reviews are welcome, flames are amusing.

Chapter 5

Month 1 of year 3025

The new year is upon us and my resolution is to have less drama in the house. Estel shall be six summers soon and that is old enough to know better. I stroll through the gardens and see Estel playing underneath the willow tree, and I thank my lucky stars that all is quiet. I take a seat in the gardens on my favorite bench and take my book out to read. It is an interesting book about healing herbs and I am soon engrossed in it.

Did I mention I am losing my touch? I had gotten to page ten in my book when something very sticky dripped onto it. I rubbed my fingers over the substance to remove it from the pages and thought it tree sap, as it was the same texture and color. I continued reading and by page twenty more stickiness landed on my book, but this time it was two drops.

As I stood and scanned the tree for this trail of sap, I see one of my guards tied to a branch up high, his mouth gagged. Before I can scream at someone for help, another drop of sap lands on me and it is then I notice it is not sap but syrup.

The guard is now clean, and the twins have been punished. It seems they were the ones who tied the guard in the tree, but it was Estel who thought of covering him in syrup. My resolution has already been lost, and I must write to Thranduil an ask him to teach me to hear the trees.

Month 2 of Year 3025

I have learned my lesson from last year and have given Estel permission to eat chocolate to his heart's content after dinner, my huge mistake. It seems not only the twins, but also Glorfindel and Erestor, all had given him chocolate to mark the occasion.

I did not find out about this till over an hour after dinner, when I found Estel running through the halls. I told him to go and find something to do and to stop running in the halls.

Several hours later ,when he should have been fast asleep, we all heard a crash and raced from the Hall of Fire. In the middle of my hall I found the cook, covered in chocolate and glaring. The cook claimed Estel launched himself at him while he was carrying a tureen of soup up to one of the patients in the healing ward. When I looked, I found that there was a trail of footprints behind the cook, and I and the twins followed it. Further down the hall I found chocolatey fingerprints on my wall and my vase devoid of water, the flowers sitting there on the table.

There was another crash and then a scream for help, and we rushed toward it to find my patient in the healing ward laying upon the floor pointing to his bed, which was now full of bugs. We helped him back into the bed and went in search of Estel. After only a few minutes we found him in my room, jumping up and down on my bed.

To say I was shocked is an understatement. Every square inch of his face was covered in chocolate, his hands sticky, his shoes muddy! My bed was in shambles, and yet he kept jumping. I removed him from my bed and sent him into the bath. He returned very clean, and while he was away, the help had cleaned my bed.

Now it is four a.m and I wish to sleep, but Estel is laying beside me, poking me and asking me questions.

"Ada, why are you an elf? Why am I not an elf? Did you know that Glorfindel can't fly even if pushed from the window?"

The questions keep coming and my headache is growing stronger. I have learned four boxes of candy given to a child is, without a doubt, unacceptable. Tomorrow heads will roll.

Month 3 of Year 3025

I was awoken today by Estel, who has claimed that he is six summers now. I smiled at him and noticed that his hair has finally grown long enough to braid, which the twins have done. I limited his sugar intake for the day to only one slice of his birthday cake and he was fine.

The twins have told Estel that he is to receive his very first sword. Estel's eyes lit up, and he demonstrated to me his skill with the blade. For one so very young, I am impressed and I looked over to the twins, knowing we must discuss how Estel has learned to parry a blow, though he supposedly has never held a sword.

All in all the day was wonderful. I tucked Estel in. He kissed me on the cheek and then told me that he loves me. It was then I realized that I love him as much as if Celebrain had bore him herself. I told him goodnight and closed the door to hide my tears of joy.

Month 4 of Year 3025

The month of Fools in here. Every year I cringe at who the unsuspecting person shall be. I have been very careful in my steps and have been safe, but the same cannot be said of Glorfindel.

It seems he had bragged to Estel that he was brought back from the dead and that nothing could stop him, be it man or elf -- that he is indestructable. Such foolish words for a man who has come back from the Halls of Mandos.

The day was well at first, nothing out of the ordinary. My lesson in elvish lore to Estel went without incident. He has learned so much that I found myself staring, amazed that he is not an elf but an adan speaking the elvish tongue to me. Once the lesson was over I sent him for a bit of free time before his nest lesson in history from Glorfindel. It seems this is all the time he needed to hatch the plan that unfolded.

I heard screams while I walked the gardens and looked up to see Glorfindel tied by his feet from his balcony. I yelled up to him and underneath his pleas for help I told him to remain calm. He told me Estel had said that he could fly, for he was a great elf who had died and come back.

I yell up to Estel to release Glorfindel this very instant and, much to my chagrin, he does. Glorfindel panicked and flapped his arms about as if he were a bird, all the while falling. Estel looked over the balcony cheering his descent to the ground, but it was Erestor who was the unlucky one. He had heard the screams and looked up just as Glorfindel landed on top of him. There was a mighty shriek of 'Dear Valar' from him and then nothing.

Both of them are now resting in their beds. Both have sworn vengence on Estel for his misdeeds, but both were shocked when Estel informed Erestor that he could be next. I am off now to explain to Estel that elves, no matter how great, are not birds and cannot fly.

Month 5 of Year 3025

Today I taught Estel a few words in the High Elven tongue as my father and mother did with me. It is a language not used in Imladris, except during meetings with dignataries. This is why I ask myself why fate is so cruel to me.

Galadriel and Celeborn came to me for a meeting to discuss the evils of Arda. The meeting itself was held in my study, while Estel played merrily in the corner with his toys. I did not make Estel leave, thinking he only knew the few words of High Elven that I had taught him, my mistake.

As we discussed the other elves and such of Arda, Thranduil included, Estel seemed to be staring directly at me. I surmissed it was because he had no idea what I was saying. It was not until he began to speak to the Lady Galadriel that my mouth fell open.

He greeted her in the proper greeting, that much I had taught him, but it was when he turned to Celeborn and called him the arse end of a festering wound that I was shocked. Lord Celeborn was amused, until Estel asked his wife why her bossums were so large and how long it took her to strap them in at night.

His elvish was garbled but each of us got the meaning. I yelled for Estel to leave, for him to be silent, but his curiosity and, better yet, not knowing what he was saying, urged him on as he walked to the door. I almost, and I do mean it in the smallest amount, felt sorry for him, until he turned to give his regards, which I am sure he thought was saying goodbye.

Estel turned at the door and asked, "How does a naked wizard, two elves, and a glass of wine make for a wonderful evening?" in the High Tongue. Celeborn choked on his drink, and I excused myself to lead Estel from the room.

I hope they do not mind that I have to make a side trip to strangle both Elladan an Elrohir for what they have taught their brother.

Month 6 of Year 3025

Warm weather brings out the demon in small children. Had I not known better I would have sworn Estel was a minion of Sauron, sent to drive me from my sanity. Let me explain further..

Yesterday we decided to go out and have a picnic underneath the mallorn trees while we were visiting my in-laws. Galadriel had her cooks prepare many delicious foods, all of which we were grateful for. I was enjoying the fried fish and roasted tomatoes, while the twins and Estel had already moved on to dessert. There were so many cakes and pies of every sort. Elladan asked if there was any honey for the fresh cinnamon buns, and I swear between Estel and himself, it was gone.

It was not until later that day we found out of Estel's misdeeds. Upon hearing screams of "Dear Valar, why me!" we ran to find Haldir ripping his clothes off as he ran across the field covered in ants. I tried to cover Estel's eyes, but found that he had fallen, along with his brothers, on the ground laughing. It was then I noticed Haldir slidding his arse across the grass.

I asked him if I could help, feeling that it was my fault he was in this situation. He told me that he had made a comment about Noldor elves to the twins and this had to be their retaliation. I almost walked away feeling that Estel and his brothers were justified, but then Galadriel walked up to see what was going on.

To have my mother-in-law, the Lady of the Wood, see her best guard scooting his bare arse across her field was embarrasing. I explained that the twins had coerced Estel into pouring honey in his clothes while he slept, but when Haldir took his bow and started to scratch the places he could not reach, I fled.

I cannot go back there for many years. I hope Haldir forgets his trauma. I hope he dislodges the end of his bow from where I saw it last. My children are evil, this I know now. Valar help me to stay sane.

Month 7 of Year 3025

Estel has befriended a squirrel. I thought it would be all right since he seems to be taking very good care of it. Although squirrels are usually very wild creatures, this one seems to be quite tame, at least as long as Estel keeps feeding it the nuts from the pantry.

It has been two weeks now and Estel's squirrel has grown quite fat. The pantry is now barren of any and all nuts, as Estel has fed them to the squirrel, and yet it is still hungry. During the day Estel feeds it acorns from the tree outside, but at night the squirrel becomes agitated and tries to bite and eat anything that looks remotely like a nut. Two kitchen knobs and four of my favorite chocolates have fallen victim to its teeth.

Yesterday I came in from a long day of meetings and only wanted to take a long soak in my tub. I undressed and found the squirrel atop my bed, begging for more nuts. I gave it the two acorns I had found under Estel's bed and went in to take my bath.

The water was so relaxing, smelling of jasmine and lavender. The scent of it and the warmth of the water so had me dozing off in the tub. I did not hear the door open, nor did I hear the scamper of little feet, not until I felt the squirrel jump atop my chest.

I awoke quite suddenly from my blissful sleep and shoved at the squirrel. This did nothing. I stood from my bath and tried to get the squirrel from my shoulder where it was now perched, but this apparently angered the squirrel. Faster than I could catch it, the squirrel ran down my stomach and perched itself upon my nether region. It began tapping on them as if to see if they were hollow and then bit down once satisfied that they were in fact not.

I screamed, I danced about the room trying to pry the furry bastard off, it clung for everything it was worth. I dared not yank it as I wished to keep them intact. Finally, having no other resort, I placed my hands around its neck and tried to strangle the little bastard. It finally relented, dead in my hands, but I cared not at the moment as my jewels could once again breathe, and I felt I should attend to the bite marks on them.

This is the moment Erestor chose to open my door, as I was rubbing salve onto my nether region. He gasped, mouth falling open and quickly shut the door. I closed my eyes knowing I would have to explain to Estel how his squirrel was released to a better place, and to Erestor I must explain exactly what I was doing when he walked in. For now I must dispose of the squirrel, a fitting burial for Estel's pet. Then again the maniac is laying on my floor with a piece of my testicle still lodged in it's throat.

Month 8 of Year 3025

This month must be better, I told myself, and yet I know I should not deceive myself. My sons are quite the mishief makers. Everyone in the house fears them, and yet Estel is the worst one of all, for to look at him is to see a face of innocence.

I saw him walking down the hall and suspected he was up to something, but seeing as he had a book of herbs in hand, I did not follow this time. An hour later I found him still studying the book and he asked if he could look at my herbs. Feeling quite proud that my love of the healing arts had rubbed off on Estel, I told him he could enter the room, but not to break anything.

Estel walked out of my herb room over an hour later, and when I went in to inspect it, I found that he had not broken a thing. I was very surprised and we all went down to dinner.

Sometime during dinner, Erestor came in from being out teaching the elflings archery practice. It seemed one of them had nicked him. I sent him straight to the healing room and once there I rubbed salve on his wound as he looked at me oddly and then gave him a cup of tea to help him to sleep.

"Estel must be locked in his room," I was thinking as Erestor came to me covered in what look like small red dots. He had scratched at them and then proceeded to lose not only his lunch but his bowels onto my floor.

It is now an hour later. I cleaned numerous piles of vomit from the floor, before I got the basin under him, and I have changed the sheets so many times that I have resorted to placing Erestor in a nappie.

To have to hold his hair while he retched was one thing, but to have to wipe his arse clean of shit was another. I mean he actually complained that I was scrubbing it too hard. I did find out that Estel switched several of my ingredients around and this is what caused this. I thought a proper punishment would be for him to sit in here with me, but after cleaning up his vomit I sent him off to bed.

I must now end this entry as Erestor has told me he has shit himself yet again... how did life become so complicated.

Month 9 of year 3025

The wind is blowing outside and I am enjoying the comforts it brings. It has been a long time since I let my hair down from its braids and simply let it fly in the wind. Estel was curious about braiding his hair himself, and we spent the day with me teaching him.

The next morning was very special indeed as Estel came down to breakfast, his best clothes on and his hair braided in warrior braids. I must say my eyes misted up, and I thought how lucky I was to have him for a son.

Month 10 of Year 3025

Somehow Estel found out that today was my birthday. How, I do not know, but I suspect a certain pair of twins. He has convinved me to through a party in my honor; I could not resist him.

Again he came down in his best attire. The guest having arrived, the party started out well, then there came the toasts.

The twins toasted my health and wished me many more birthdays, but when it came to Estel's turn, he stared at me and asked me just how old I was. Not thinking I told him my age, and his eyes became quite large. He has since told me I am older than everyone else there put together.

I ushered him down from his seat and the meal began. It was quite lovely, if I say so myself, an afterwards we retired to the Hall of Fire for dancing. Many of the younger she elves were brought to me by Estel, but I told him they were far too young for me to dance with and be appropriate, my mistake.

When the next song started someone tapped me on the shoulder and I turned to face an adan woman who obviously was well over a hundred years old. My first instinct was to run, my body flinching at the thought of her touching me, but I knew I must be polite.

She told me my son had sent her to dance with me, but when she smiled, she had but two teeth. The dance was awkward, I prayed for it to end. Next year there shall be no party for I am not dancing with that woman ever again.

Month 11 of Year 3025

Here we are at the month of giving thanks. I decided that we shall ride into town to buy anything we may need for the coming months. I found something for the the twins and I did not wish them to see, so I told them to bring Estel back and I head back to Imladris to hide my gifts from prying eyes.

Dinner arrived and I came into the room to sit down to our typical feast, but as I walked in, no nice aroma hit me, but instead one of the worst smells ever. The twins were there, Estel, Glorfindel, and even Erestor, but also some adan man I had never seen before.

Estel stood up and made introductions and told me the man was homeless and that he felt sorry for him and invited him to dine with us. I have always taught my sons to be courteous of others, to help those in need, but this is going beyond help.

The cook came in and almost heaved as she placed the dishes on the table, and as I closed my eyes to give thanks for our food, the man let out some obnoxious odor. I ignored it much to my dismay, but when he reached for the potatoes with his hands I had to intervene. I handed him a ladle and knew then I would be having none of those.

I ate without swallowing I think, trying to finish the meal quickly, but as I placed a slice of turkey in my mouth, the heathen man began to pick his nose at my table. That was disgusting, and without a doubt the last straw, I thought, till he flicked it from his finger and it landed in my wine glass.

The bile rose in my throat, and I rose from my seat at the same time as the loud belch echoed from his lips. I escorted him from my home and then returned to my meal. After seeing the foreign object still floating in my glass, my appetite left me. I have since explained he is not to bring anyone else home, and I am going to bathe as I feel dirty.

Month 12 of Year 3025

The month of Yule, how I so enjoy it. The morning of Yule came and the twins and Estel rushed into my room before the sun had even risen. The presents were plentiful, everyone enjoying their gifts. The twins loved their new scabbards, Estel loved his new set of wooden animals that had been carved by Glorfindel.

I myself enjoyed all of my gifts, but most of all I enjoyed the present given to me by Estel. One, he behaved the entire day, but the most wonderful gift was the family portrait he drew. True, it was on the wall in the Hall of Fire, but my eys misted up at the picture of Estel, the twins, I, and even Erestor and Glorfindel. All of us truly are a family. I know I should scrub it off, but I feel I won't. 


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Diary of Elrond

Summary: Elrond's diary from his years with Estel

Disclaimer: I do not own them

A/N: This is merely a parody, and AU Any reviews are welcome, flames are amusing. This is also unbetaed

Chapter 6

Month one of Year 3026

This year I have set myself up for a very peaceful year. I sat Estel down the other day and explained to him about decorum, and he seemed to get my point. The next week he was to be quite honest a perfect gentleman, until he walked into the healing ward yesterday.

One of the women of a neighboring town was giving birth. Estel burst through the door as she shouted, and the end result was not one I fancied.

Estel immediately began screaming right along with the woman. I wanted to fling him from the room, but I could not leave her side at this crucial time. I thought he would leave afterwards, but alas I was wrong.

As the head began to crown Estel started to make retching noises behind me, and I promptly told him to leave. He did not abide my wishes or threats, but instead starting spouting off words I am sure the woman in the bed did not want to hear. Comment such as ...

"How is it going to get out? and Ada how did the stork get in there, cut her open before it suffocates!"

Glorfindel slung open the door, alerted to the shouts, and after he composed himself, he started to drag Estel out the door. I was relieved that I could finish the task at hand, but Estel's screams of "She is suffocating the stork..." are forever now etched in my mind.

Month 2 of year 3026

it is the month of love and one where I miss Celebrain even more. I often think of her during this month, and the twins know this, but Estel thought the faraway look in my eye meant something more.

I have persuaded him not to bring me anymore women, and he has agreed, for that I am grateful.

The day was one filled with chocolate cakes, and candy. I have grown accustomed to this celebration that men seem to enjoy and it gives me what I desire, chocolate. I crave it at times, unbeknownst to any.

I was sitting in my room with an array of chocolates when Estel came bursting in, followed by his brothers. They insisted that they needed my help, and I followed. I came to find myself in front of a glorious six foot cake, and my mouth watered at the thought of it.

The cook assured me that it would be ready by that evening, and that we could have it for dinner the next day. The cook even mentioned that the twins had helped in the baking of the cake, and that she had come in as they were icing it.

My instincts were that the cake was tainted somehow, but when I ran my finger over the icing and tasted it I was very satisfied. The icing was wonderful, and my cravings for the cake were monstrous. I excused myself from the room and went back to my private stash in my own room, but when I got there the maids had tidied up and removed it all. I was beside myself.

The rest of the day went by in a blur, as I am to hold myself with esteem, I am the Lord of Imladris and I am not supposed to be tempted by anything. That night however, the temptation grew too huge, and I quietly snuck out of my room, and down to the kitchen.

I lit no lamp, and sat down in front of the cake. It seemed to call to me, begging me to just taste the chocolate so I did. I felt a pang of guilt for a second, knowing that Estel and his brothers had worked hard on it, but my cravings took hold of all sanity and I grabbed a fork and dug in. Each bite was more satisfying than the last and soon I had made a considerable dent in the cake.

I should have been quite full, but I was not and soon I found myself, fork in hand eating more. I ate so much I soon realized if I took even one more bite that I would have eaten through an entire layer, but I did not care at the time. I took my fork and stabbed into the cake again, but as I chewed I got the distinct taste of blood in my mouth. Again and again I tasted the cake thinking somehow I was wrong. It was then that I lit the lamp on the counter and peered down at the cake.

Inside my glorious cake was someone! I quickly tore at the layers, trying to set the person free, and came to find Erestor quite naked and gagged inside. After closer inspection I could see why I tasted the blood so many times, as the puncture wounds of my fork littered his arse. I gagged and then heaved all of the contents of my stomach, and then sent Erestor to go and bathe.

My cravings for chocolate are no more, and tomorrow I shall punish Estel and his brothers. The taste of chocolate is now forever tainted with the taste of blood. I tried to sleep but had nightmares of me with a fork, slowing eating Erestor piece by piece. I will now end this entry, and go to tend to his wounds.

Month 3 of Year 3026

Estel turns seven summers today and I have told him he is becoming more proficient in his elvish. Celeborn and Galadriel have shown up for the celebration, and brought Arwen along with them. To my sense of relief Estel greeted them without the slang his brothers have taught him, and again I was relieved.

After cake, which I did not partake in and gifts I found Estel sitting with Arwen in the Hall of Fire. Arwen sat reading to him from one of the elvish books and Estel seemed drawn to her somehow so much that he sat quietly.

Later in the day he showed her his skills with the blade that Elladan had taught him, and his skills in riding as Elrohir had instructed him. It was not until later in the evening when I went to tuck him in that I grew worried.

As I entered the room, I saw Arwen sitting on the side of Estel's bed, laughing in amusement. I strained my ears to hear what was so amusing, and heard Estel profess his love to Arwen.

At the time I thought it was a was sweet an endearing, that was until I spoke to Galadriel later and she told me of what she had seen in her mirror. I am now shocked, and a little frightened, but when I glance at Estel all I can see is a child. For now I shall have no worries.

The day has come and Arwen is about to depart. I have gone to collect her, and found she is once again sitting with Estel, but the conversation is not one I wish to hear.

"She was suffocating the stork Arwen, I swear it!" Estel explained.

I quickly made my presence known, and saw that Estel had not fully explained what the statement meant thank Valar. I shall be watching for the signs of Galadriel's warning, but not now. For now, I shall tuck in Estel, and tell him of faraway places and people.

Month 4 of Year 3026

Ahhh the look of spring is upon us. I like to sit on my balcony and admire the leaves as they bud into flowers of every color. It was as I sat upon my balcony that I noticed Estel and his brothers run through the garden and into the nearby woods.

I knew they were up to something, but their quick return assured me it was nothing that would remove a limb or have me tending to gaping wounds. I watched the leaves until I heard the chime for dinner, and I left to join my sons.

When I entered the room the twins and Estel were already sitting down. I thought it odd, but did not tempt fate by asking. Dinner was a quiet affair, and I enjoyed the meal and the pleasant attitudes of the children. Even Erestor commented on how they were behaving, and yet my mind wandered back to why they were in the woods.

As I laid down that night to sleep, my mind could not forget the twins and Estel wandering into the woods, and sleep would not come to me without knowing. I dressed quickly and ran out through the woods and stopped when I came on what seemed to be many animals corralled in this area. There were not only sheep, but goats, and dogs, cows and even three pigs. I was amazed, and yet I knew that the animals should not be tied up.

The next morning I gathered my sons together and told them I knew, and explained how they should not tie animals up that animals should be able to run free. I went about my day, feeling better after our talk, especially when I saw my sons go out to set free the animals.

That night I said goodnight to everyone and went into my bathing chamber. The scent of lavender, and lilac filled my nostrils and I sank beneath the warmth of the water, relishing the few moments of solitude. I dried off and went to fall into my bed for some much needed rest. I was so content, I fell right to sleep.

I thought I was dreaming, I thought that it was walking in the rain, but it was not until the incessant what I thought fly in my ear that I grumbled an awoke.

Standing above me was the goat that the children released earlier in the day and curled up beside me breathing into my ear was the dog, but what disturbed me most of all was the cat who was urinating on my pillow and scratching it as if trying to cover it up. I stared in horror in disbelief, as I realized what the cat had done, not only on my pillow but my ear as well.

I jumped up from the bed, screaming for Erestor, and he came in followed by Estel who was grinning.

"You found them Ada!" he announced. "You told me they needed to be bale to roam around freely, and it was cold outside so I let them in."

Since this incident Erestor has laughed at me many times. It seems my pleas to him that I could very well go deaf from the cat urine did nothing but send him into hysterical laughter. I for one am glad this incident is over and perhaps in five hundred years or so Erestor will stop giggling.

Month 5 of Year 3026

We do not often celebrate birthdays in Imladris, but I saw that Estel was wondering if we had them at all. Glorfindel's birthing day is today so I felt a party was in order. Estel being who he is wanted to make it special and told me he would help in the decorations. It is times like these that I see the sweetness in him ... Did I mention a father's love is blind?

Once we sat down in the gardens to celebrate the glorious occasion the cake was brought out. Estel then asked Glorfindel how old he was, and Glorfindel, bless him took no thought when he revealed he was well over three thousand years old. Estel informed him that many candles would cause a small fire on his cake, and then went on and on about Glorfindel being old.

I tried to shut the boy up, but time and time again he interrupted Glorfindel as he danced with one of the many maidens, telling them that he was too old. I was embarrassed to say the least.

The night ended very abruptly though when Estel escorted one of the oldest adans I have ever seen towards Glorfindel and introduced her. Glorfindel being very gallant too her hand and danced with her, but when she began to wheeze from exertion he stopped. It was the exclamation from Estel that Glorfindel should give her his birthday kiss that I turned green.

I am not one to judge someone by their looks, but the adan woman had no teeth, and Glorfindel promptly retched at her feet after the kiss. The party ended, Glorfindel shamed, and me stifling my laughter.

Month 6 of Year 3026

It is summer and the weather is more than hot to Estel. He and his brothers have been up to their usual pranks, and I have had to punish each of them. Estel has been told to clean every inch of the floors in the hallway, and his brothers have been told to clean the loos.

Elladan was the first to speak up saying the smell would surely kill him, and that although he was very slender he was still not capable of fitting inside to clean out the excrement. I told him to do whatever it took but that it better be clean come afternoon.

Over an hour has gone by in silence, and the hallways are now glistening, after Estel scrubbed them. I have since sent him to find his brothers, thinking they had completed their task as well. He was to tell them to wash up thoroughly before coming to dinner.

None of my children came to dinner however and I went in search of them. I found the twins, sleeping in their beds and yelled for them to wake.

"Where is your brother?" I asked them, but neither knew. I searched everywhere and went to call on Erestor to help me, but found he was in the loo and waited for him to exit.

Well, it seems Estel crawled in through the hole his brothers could not and was underneath the loo itself. When Erestor sat down, he began talking to him, startling my advisor. Erestor thought it was someone outside, and continued on with what he had to do, when the shouts came again. Seems Estel told him how disgusting he was, an Erestor thought the loo was speaking to him. He was quite frightened and ran out of the loo, leggings still around his ankles.

His shouts alerted many people, and only then did he realize his attire. After fixing that, he told me over and over that the loo was speaking to him, even though I told him that was impossible.

I found Estel a few minutes later, crawling out of the hole in the loo, and sent him to bathe, scrubbing him many times in soap. Now I must lecture him on sanitation, and things such as he has done, but as I pass the elves in the hall I must first hold in my laughter, as everyone is speaking of Erestor. He has grown a reputation in only hours for the incident of the talking loo.

Month 7 of Year 3026

Thranduil and Legolas have come for the celebration. Even Gandalf has returned despite the last incident with him and some of the fireworks. What was more disturbing was the fact that after Thranduil showed up so did Gloin bringing his son Gimli. To say Thranduil was livid is an understatement.

Estel and Legolas however seemed to have run off to cause mischief as usual, and left their brothers and I to deal with Thranduil who now is pacing my room, a bottle of wine in hand.

Dinner was mixed with glares all around, from Gloin to Thranduil, to me. I have had enough of it to be quite honest, and have ended dinner early. The young ones have been sent to bed after Thranduil finished the fourth bottle of elvish wine, and started to slur his words. I did not wish for them to see him in this state. I thought when he finished the fifth and promptly passed out the night would be peaceful. Why do I think these things?

As I lay in my bed, dreaming of Celebrian and our last night together, I heard screams coming from across the hall. I jumped from my bed, pulling both my robe and my sword from the room as I ran. Glorfindel, and Erestor both met me in the hall outside Thranduil's room, and we burst through the door.

What we found was alarming. Thranduil was in standing beside his bed, sword raised, quite under dressed. In his bed however was Gimli, his lips painted red, and rather naked. He was snoring and had no idea that Thranduil was about to disembowel him. I stopped Thranduil and was about to lead him from the room when I spotted Estel and Legolas rolling around the floor in laughter.

This shall never be forgotten. I am sure years from now the hatred will continue to grow. For now I must soothe Thranduil as Erestor drags the naked dwarf from his bed.

Month 8 of Year 3026

A lovely morning. Estel is bedridden with a cold, and the healers are tending him while I get a few hours of sleep. I have sat by his bed for two days now, not leaving as he was at his worst. I have now grown completely exhausted and crave sleep, but a small head appears beside my bed, and I turn to see Estel has escaped the healers.

I never doubted that he could for he has done so many times, but the look in his eyes tells me that I shall receive yet another night of restless sleep. I allow him to crawl up on my bed, and he soon drifts off to sleep. While he sleeps, his fingers reach out and grab ahold of my nightshirt, as if even in sleep he wishes me near.

I realize how short his mortal life is as I look over at him, and know that whatever he may do I will be there to accept him nonetheless. An hour later, my eyes glaze over in sleep. The restless night I thought I would have is a memory, as I feel quite content, knowing my son is safe and within my grasp.

Month 9 of Year 3026

How and why I have not pulled every hair from my head is beyond me. I should never fear Sauron or his minions of evil for my own sons are far worse. I left them alone in the kitchens to make dinner, a punishment fit for having ruined breakfast.

I admit that the idea was not one of my better ideas and I only came to find out later that the twins had shoved the entire job on Estel, his enthusiasm for the task too much for them.

The meal was being served, by my sons. The twins brought in the salad which is the only thing they did prepare and everyone praised them for their efforts, but then the main course was sent for.

Estel returned moments later with a huge bowl filled with bits and pieces of things that should not be mixed on any occasion. I asked Estel what he had prepared and he all too gladly told me.

It seems he mixed bits of meat with red sauce from the kitchen, and some mustard seed, and stewed tomatoes, and the final touch was the milk. I did not wish to eat, nor did anyone else, but Estel reminded me of my food is not to be wasted lecture.

When I looked over at him he seemed to be enjoying it so I tried a bite. It was horrendous and the smell alone sent waves of nausea through me. Erestor and Glorfindel both looked positively ill. I put another bite into my mouth and felt something squishy, and swallowed it with one gulp. I asked Estel about it and he reminded me that I told him if in the wilds, and hungry one could use worms to eat.

There were worms in my food, along with everything else, and my stomach lurched thinking about it. Estel looked at me with his big silver eyes and asked if I was going to clear my plate, and knowing he would learn no lesson if I didn't, I gulped down the last few bites and excused myself from the table.

I ran all the way to the loo, and there flopped in front of it and retched over and over, sweat dripping from my face. It was there that Estel led the stranger who had come to the door, after I had left, and here I was Lord of Imladris, lying in my own vomit, as the adan from the neighboring town stared down at me.

I am now laying down, and yet my stomach still heaves at the thought of food. A lesson has been learned today. Never punish the children with something that could poison us all.

Month 10 of Year 3026

Estel has asked if I know anything about this Halloween, or all Hallows Eve. I told him it was all I knew, and that included the details of sacrificing virgins to the pagan gods, in olden times. I assured him that he would receive candy although we would not be going out an about to the towns. Estel pouted, but an hour later he showed back up, dressed in a sheet as a ghost.

I worried not when he and his brothers went out to find a pumpkin, nor did I worry when I could not find Erestor. The last Hallows Eve he hid in his room, so I left him to his solace.

We roasted the seeds from the pumpkin and the cook made us a pie from the innards. It was a delightful meal. I retired to my room, and readied myself to join the others for stories in the Hall of Fire, when I glanced out over my balcony. The woods were on fire, from what it looked like and I ran to inform Glorfindel and Erestor.

Glorfindel was found in the kitchens, eating another piece of pie, but jumped up, ready to help me. I searched Erestor's room but did not find him, and right now I had no time to search. I grabbed what few elves I could find to follow me with pails of water. My sons were nowhere in sight and I prayed to the Valar that they were somewhere safe.

We all rushed past the gardens and into the woods, toward the fire, but my pail of water fell out of my hand at the sight before me. Erestor was naked, tied to a pole in the middle of the woods, a fire set near him. It seems my talk with Estel was too literal and after releasing Erestor he promptly began to shout that I had freed the virgin they were to sacrifice.

I am shamed once more, Erestor shouted to all who could hear that he was not a virgin, an Estel seemed amazed that he had made such a mistake, asking Glorfindel if he was on the way back to the palace. The twins have found that helping their brother in acts of ill will results in cleaning the stalls for a fortnight, and are angry. I am amused now after the fact.

Month 11 of Year 3026

It is the Yule feast again and he food looks marvelous. I am especially pleased with three clean and smiling children beaming back at me from around the table. After everyone is served as tradition we go around the table and give our thanks. Elladan is first and he is thankful for the bounty of the wilds that provided us with the food we have. Everyone has similar thanks they give and then it is Estel's turn.

I should have braced myself, but of course I was as usual unprepared for such. He turned to Erestor and said he was thankful that his arse has healed since I had taken many bites from it. To Glorfindel he was thankful that he lived even though he couldn't fly from the atop the balcony, and to me he was thankful that I had rescued the stork from the lady's stomach.

I was thankful that Estel was finished speaking, but he stared at me as I spooned more dressing from the turkey. It was then that he jumped onto his chair for a closer look. His thoughts spoken outloud were startling as he asked me about if the insides of a turkey were like that of a woman and had I used a spoon. I clamped my hand over his mouth, and told him to be silent. I want to finish this meal without any visions.

Month 12 of Year 3026

Yule ... how I love this holiday. I could sit for hours by the fire as I stare out onto the snow covered ground, for it looks like a thousand crystals. Tonight we exchange gifts and I am looking forward to spending it with my family.

Galadriel, and Celeborn are coming this year, and are due to arrive any minute. I wait for them and then escort them inside to the nice fire that is blazing. The twins an Estel are already there, and everyone exchanged greetings and hugs.

It was tradition for the youngest to go first but this year Estel has asked to go last. The twins gave me a new pen and quill set, and Erestor a new satchel. Everyone enjoyed their gifts and then it was Estel's turn. For his brothers, he had given them new arrows to replace the ones he had lost, and Erestor he gave a tablet of drawings he had made. It was my gift that touched me, and made everyone in the room gasp.

It seems Galadriel had other motives for coming this year, as Estel handed me my gift and I unwrapped a painting of Celebrain and me under the mallorn trees of Lothlorien. It seems my mother in law has had it hanging in her room for many years, and this is the first I have ever seen it. It was a beautiful gift, and I have thanked Estel with choked words.

It is now past his bedtime, and I have escorted him to bed with Galadriel. As we left the room she told me what a special child he was, and as I look at him, I have to agree. 


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Diary of Elrond

Summary: Elrond's diary from his years with Estel

Disclaimer: I do not own them

A/N: This is merely a parody, and AU Any reviews are welcome, flames are amusing. This is also unbetaed

Chapter 7

Month 1 of Year 3027

A new year, and I have made a resolution to be more patient with Estel. He is no longer a baby so he claims, and I am going to try to give him a small bit of leeway. This arrangement worked fine for about a week, until Estel decided to use my bathing chamber as his own personal pond for his creatures. I have since warned him about this, and yet again I found a frog upon my bar of soap.

He has now been confined to his room, my patience gone, but it seems his time spent there was used to plot revenge on the one who informed on him. Erestor was coming out of the study when he was pelted with several rather slimy things. To his horror he found them to be a bucket of worms that had fallen on his head. He ran to his room to bathe and to try to scrub the stench as he referred to it from his body, but this was not to be so.

True, he was in his tub surrounded by bubbles and soap, but a rather large foul thing emerged from the depths of the tub and floated by his head. It was this moment that Erestor flicked it away from him, wanting to stay in the tub awhile longer.

I have told my advisor about my sons' twisted sense of humor, and yet he does not heed my warnings, this is an error on his part. It was as I knocked an entered is bathing chamber to alert him dinner was ready that I was appalled. I know he has some weird quirks, but seeing him sitting in the tub full of some kind of droppings made me loose what little patience I had.

I screamed for him to get out, and he did so tripping as he did, knocking me and himself back into the filth of the tub. It was then that Estel and his brothers decided to see what all the shouting was about, an open the door.

The look on Estel's face was one of amusement when he entered but it soon became one of confusion, and his questions of why I was bathing with a naked man, have me now drinking many bottles of wine in my room while I write this.

Erestor has said he is not bathing again, ever, until a lock is put on his door. The twins have since locked themselves in their brother's room to ask him how he managed such a feat, and I am drinking even more.

Month 2 of Year 3027

The month of love, and again I have told Estel I am not in the need for a woman, nor is Glorfindel after the events of last year. I have sent Estel off with his brothers as I am preparing for Galadriel and Celeborn to visit. They have left Arwen in Lorien and I am sad to not be seeing her, but I know somehow I will have my hands full.

They arrived only an hour ago, and already Estel is questioning them of their trip. I have since told him to go and find his brothers, and to play with them, but he informs me they are busy talking with she elves.

I have told Estel I do not care what they are talking about, but to bring them inside for dinner with their Grandmother and Grandfather, and he has gone to fetch them.

Twenty minutes later, I have to wonder what is keeping the three of them, but as Estel is the first to arrive he explains that his brothers were talking about the parts of a she elf, and I quickly put my hand over his mouth. I told Estel those things were not to be brought up at the dinner table.

It is now quite late, and I have told Estel it is time for bed. It seems he is sulking because I have yet to answer his earlier questions about what his brothers were talking about; to be honest I am avoiding the matter all together.

As I sit here I will explain what happened even now as I rub the lump on my head. It seems although Galadriel is the most graceful an elegant elf in all of Arda she is not beneath smiting me repeatedly when she thinks she has been wronged.

While the household was sleeping peacefully Estel left his bed, and ventured into the room of Galadriel and Celeborn. It seems a child's curiosity is not to be left time to dwell on questions. Estel wasted no time in crawling underneath the covers at the foot of the bed, and laid down, propped up on his elbows and struck a match.

The bed quickly grew very hot, and Galadriel and Celeborn awoke to find Estel underneath their covers peering into Galadriel's nether regions. Do not get me wrong he was not doing it out of some lustful thing, but in a manner out of curiosity. When Galadriel jumped from the bed, which was now afire, Estel followed her to the floor and sat staring up, a questioning look on his face. This is when I entered the room, wondering about the commotion.

"Why do Elladan and Elrohir call it the tunnel of love? There is no tunnel in there." Estel replied and my heart stopped. I swatted him away, but he glared at me. "How does the stork get in there Ada, it looks too small?"

Again I swatted at him, and yet his questions persisted even despite the looks of pure horror on both Celeborn's and Galadriel's face.

"If the stork goes in and leaves a baby, then how does it breathe in there? Ada, how does it get back out? I asked Grandmother why she wasn't scared when she saw a stork trying to climb out of there, but she screamed. Ada, are you listening to me?"

I pulled Estel to the door and flung him into the waiting arms of his brothers who had just arrived, and closed the door. It was then that I ran to the bathing chamber and got the pail of water, dowsing the fire on the bed.

The bed is now quite burnt, the sheets mere ashes, and as I looked at the remnants of it, Galadriel smacked me across the face. I was shocked, and my face stung a bit too.

"I awoke to my bed on fire Elrond, and your son peering into my nether region like it was a cavern. Explain your son's actions!" she screamed as she clutched he remaining sheet to her.

"He is just curious, and I did not answer his question earlier. I do not abide by his behavior, and he will be punished." I told her, but it seemed her wrath was not yet over. Time and time again she hit me, the last time her sheet falling to the floor as she did.

I did not mean to even glance in her direction, but she thought I did and that is when she got me with the crystal candleholder.

"Your son asked Celeborn why he had scalped my Lulu for Valar's sake!"

I got out of there as fast as I could with what was left of my head, and now I am sitting in my room, ice on my lumps, and thinking next month I will have to explain a few things about she elves to Estel. Now that I think of it I must write to Thranduil for I will need the good wine for that talk.

Month 3 of Year 3027

A beautiful day it has been, and yet I know there will be something to mar the occasion. Estel is now eight summers, and has been given his first sword that is not wooden. The day would have been without incident, but some of the guards decided to present him with a gift of his very first bow.

Now mind you the gift was lovely, and I would not disregard their feelings by telling him he could not have it in front of them. To say Estel was delighted with his gifts was an understatement, but I also know about caution when it comes to Estel. After lunch and cake I told him we would go and teach him how to use both of them, so that he would understand the proper way to handle each.

While I am adept with swordfighting I left the handling of the bow to Glorfindel. He has taken the task with a studious attitude and taken Estel down to the edge of the treeline to practice. Now you would think it a safe place, but he assumed wrongly.

The same guard who gave Estel the bow chose a poor spot to nap in. Estel shot the first arrow and it sailed wide of its mark by only a few feet. Normally I would have retrieved the arrows for him, but Glorfindel was busy renotching his bow already, so I sat back and watched.

I found that Estel needs much practice with the bow, but at last after the fifth shot he hit the target and cheers were heard all around. It seems these same cheers drowned out the yelps from the guard who seconds later came limping out from the treeline.

My healers instincts were engaged in seconds as I rushed to his side, but I found the arrow to his leg not the only one. It seems all Estel's arrows did in fact hit a mark, but not the one he intended.

Why did you not run for cover?' I asked him but he told me the first one brought him to his knees and when the second struck him he was too stunned. So here I find myself an hour later removing three arrows from his arse, while Glorfindel tries unsuccessfully to keep from laughing. He has since recovered and has just left to healing ward, but I must end this now for Glorfindel has entered and Estel's bow has found a new home in his arse courtesy of the guard.

Month 4 of Year 3027

The month of fools they call this, but I shall be no fool. I have long since been taken for one over the years, not suspecting my sons in their treachery of deceit. This month I thought I was prepared, but alas I was more wrong than ever.

As punishment I had given Estel many days of cleaning the stables as retribution for his acts on Galadriel and Celeborn, and he bore these days with mumbled curses no doubt learned from his brothers. It did my heart good though to see him learning from his mistakes, and I went about my daily tasks, critical error on my part.

As I sat down to my dinner that night I asked my son's whereabouts, deciding he had taken the punishment too literally. He needed to learn to repent for his misdeeds, but I did not mean for him to stay out there all day as he was just a child. I have since sent Elladan to fetch him.

The roasted meat was delicious, but I had only taken three bites when Elladan came in looking quite pale, and carrying a very what seemed to be bloody Estel. I dropped my fork immediately, and rushed to his side, but I was faced with my worst horror as Estel lay bloody in his hands.

Estel's eyes were closed, and I looked to Elladan my own brimming with tears, and he told me he found the pitchfork also covered in what he thought blood, and that Estel must have fallen on it. My heart broke instantly, as I had given the punishment, and for my action I had sent my son to certain death.

I grabbed Estel from his hands, and felt the red blood seep onto my own robes. Dinner was forgotten as Elrohir, Glorfindel and even Erestor rushed with me to the healing ward. By the time I laid him down the tears that had been brimming were now spilling forth from my eyes and down my cheeks.

Estel's eyes were closed, and when I called to him he whimpered and tried to roll away from me. When I called for some bandages to heal his wound I saw Glorfindel's eyes were also misted up, and that my own advisor was also crying. The twins had been beside themselves and had taken seats opposite my own on the bed, and then I pulled Estel's small cloak from him and dropped it on the floor. It was covered in the sticky redness, and Erestor promptly fainted, thinking Estel surely close to Mandos' halls.

With shaking fingers I lifted Estel's shirt but no wound did I find. I wiped my eyes thinking somehow I had missed it, but after searching his entire body I found not even a scratch, and yet Estel was still not awake. I sat by his bed all night and held his hand, wondering what had come over my son, what illness, what malady to cause such a thing. Perhaps I thought he had coughed up the blood.

It was not until morning and Estel's eyes opening that I learned the truth. I questioned him on how he felt and then showed him his saturated clothing, but he looked shamed by it. Estel then admitted to growing bored while in the stables, and instead of work had taken to smashing cranberries with the pitchfork.

My first thought was how mortified I had been, and my second was that though I tried not to, yet again I had fallen victim to the month of fools.

Month 5 of Year 3027

It seems I cannot put off my talk with Estel about she elves any longer. Just today he asked a very inappropriate question to one of the cooks. I thought long and hard about the talk and then called him into my study.

Estel looked uncertain as I showed him the drawings in the book, and his questions alerted me to the fact that he did not understand in the slightest. I then went for the more subtle approach and told him to have a seat next to me, and I would try to explain.

After two hours of me fumbling for words as he looked at me, I admitted defeat. There was no way in Arda I could explain to his innocent eyes the inner workings of the female body, without finding my own self blushing. I however was saved from our talk as another adan female had come to Imladris to give birth.

I thought this the perfect time to teach Estel a lesson on childbirth and asked him if he wished to join me, and he agreed reluctantly. I scrubbed his hands several times and then went about my tasks. He did not seem alarmed as I tried to calm the lady, but as soon as she started her first scream of pain, he almost bolted for the door.

I explained to Estel that she was all right, and he remained seated, although fidgeting. When I parted her legs to check on her progress along Estel jumped from his seat, and promptly slapped me hard across the face. To say I was stunned was putting it lightly, but the reprimand from Estel for my actions was worse.

Estel explained that I was not to touch her there, or in that manner ever, and again I had to explain the step. Once I did he calmed somewhat, but his face turned two shades of green. I wonder now if I should have sent him on his way then, but I did not see the folly just yet.

The lady continued to yell at times, and Estel's eyes bore down on me each time I looked to see her progress. It was as she was nearing her time to give birth that I was most embarrassed.

I reached my hands down and put them as gently as I could inside her to see if the baby's head was in position yet, and Estel leapt up from his seat shouting at me.

"Ada, your hands. They don't go there! Remove them at once, before you are bitten!"

I did not heed his warnings and simply explained that there was no stork in there, but only a baby, and this is when he flailed me about the head. I was stunned, I could not move at first, and yet he continued to flog me about my head with every object within his reach. When I finally pulled my hands free from the lady to control him he shrieked and dived away from me.

He told me I was tainted, and that my hands were disgusting. Now that I think of it I can see his point. After washing my hands I sat Estel in the chair and told him that storks did not deliver babies, but that was as far as I told him. That conversation could wait for a later date.

Soon the babies head appeared, and although the lady was moaning in pain, Estel's screams were far louder. He did not register the beautiful meaning of life till the baby came out and was laid upon its mother's chest. Only then did he smile, and then promptly retched onto the floor.

I have since cleaned him up, and sat him back down in the chair, but when the mother started to feed the baby, Estel once again began to shout about how it was going to bite her. i told him no it wouldn't and was chastised that I was uncaring, that the lady would be scarred with only one if I let this act continue.

Estel is now sitting in the gardens with his brothers. I sent him from the room when he would not stop his yelling. I do not know how to explain such things to him it seems. We sat down for dinner and Estel came in again, dirt and grime all over his hands to sit at my table, and I told him how unclean it was and to go and wash. Estel reminded me that he could have the droppings of cows in his hands and they would still be cleaner than mine, and then went off to wash them.

I have been rebuked by an eight year old, and now that I look down at my hands, I find that I feel the need to bathe.

Month 6 of Year 3027

I am without a clue as to why children find it impossible to come in with clean hands an empty pockets. I have called Estel in to take his bath, and he has of course fought me tooth and nail. I do not know why he is loathe to bathe as I find it relaxing and refreshing to be clean. He has taken his tunic off and I then saw that the pocket of his leggings was bulging to the point of bursting. I told Estel to get into the tub and I have taken his clothing with me to empty them out, my mistake.

When I first reached in my hand I pulled a small toad from his pocket. This is not unusual for I myself found a few in my youth, but I also forgot that when frightened they tend to urinate on you. Now with a hand full of frog urine I go and reach again into the pocket and pull from it two pieces of yarn, one green, one blue. I do not know what they are for and lay them aside.

Again I reach into the pocket and this time I find a quartz rock which is very shiny, almost as if washed. I ponder this fact as I hear Estel grumbling about bathing. How is it he can wash a rock till it gleams, and yet detest washing himself? I placed the rock on the bench outside, and reach my hand in again, but something coils around it, and I pull out a baby garter snake.

I am repulsed, but it seems the snake is annoyed at being pulled from its sleeping place and bites me on the finger. It's mouth is too small to hurt me, but I let it go free and reach again inside the pocket. It is then I find a gerbil, similar to the one Estel called Piddy. This one has no manners however and has released its bowels into my hand, and now there lays four tiny droppings in it. I fling them off and find that the only other thing in Estel's pocket is dirt and bugs.

His pockets now clean I send them to the wash, and find I also I feel dirty and wish to bathe.

Month 7 of Year 3027

Since it is warm outside and Estel feels the heat more than I do, I have given him permission to swim in the lake near the palace when he wishes. Now being eight he has not learned to be subtle, nor has he learned the importance of clothing.

He went swimming the other day, and I sent Erestor to watch after him, but we had visitors, my daughter to be exact and Erestor was sent for. Estel was told to hurry, but in his glee at hearing that it was Arwen who had arrived he bolted from the water, his clothes left behind.

I greeted Arwen in the courtyard and stepped inside just a moment while she gathered her things. I did not see Estel running through the courtyard naked, and when I turned around I found him quite bare and in the arms of my daughter.

I found it appalling and have told Estel so many times. He has told me that if I can stick my hand inside a woman and still have the gaul to come to dinner with that on my hands then he didn't see any reason he had to put clothes on to greet Arwen. I am without an answer but I will think of one, for that behavior cannot go on, he is far too old.

Moth 8 of Year 3027

A picnic I felt was in order, one where I am free for the day of my duties. I gathered my sons and my advisor and Glorfindel and we left to go to the River Bruinen to enjoy a day out. It was still quite warm out, and after we ate Estel asked if we would swim with him.

I told him we could not for we had brought no dry clothing to put back on, and then I saw his face light up. He informed me that we were all boys, and therefore had the same things, and could go in our leggings, and for the life of me I could not think up a plausible excuse as to why we couldn't.

Shedding my clothes down to my leggings I waded in along with the others, and soon found I cared not about decency or anything else as I splashed around as if an elfling. It was times like these that I enjoyed most of all, just being with my sons, the same children I would later be cursing.

While swimming I did not hear the oncoming riders, but my children did. Estel dived under the water and grabbed hold of my leggings and soon I found myself quite naked beneath the waters. It seems the twins devised to do the same to Erestor and Glorfindel. I was shocked, but laughed until I saw them climb out of the water and dangle our clothing in front of us.

I called to them that the joke was over, but it was not them who answered back but the riders. I was aghast. Here I was naked and yet they had offered their hands in greeting. I wanted to drown at that very moment, honestly, but with as much dignity as I could muster I walked out of the water to my waist and leaned forward to offer my own hand in greeting.

Estel chose this time to bring me my clothing and in fact ended up only tripping me in his haste. My legs buckled, and I tried to stop myself, but I found that I could not even with the grace of the elves. My body lurched, and I stumbled right into the adan rider, and it was not my hand that ended up in his in greeting.

I am now sitting alone in my room, a couple of empty bottles of wine at my feet, while I try to forget the memory of the day. After falling the man viciously slapped at the thing that had dared to touch his hand, and I yelped liked a dog that had been beaten. I am shamed once again, and now I will be going to bed quite drunk, and with many layers of clothes on should my sons get anymore ideas in the night.

Month 9 of Year 3027

Try as he might Estel is not very good at writing elvish, his small hands grasping the quill to hard and always breaking it. I have tried to get him to be a little less harsh when gripping it but my efforts are in vain. True, he can read, and speak elvish as well as any elf, but I am afraid he will never master the art of writing it.

It was as I walked by his room last night that I noticed a light coming from underneath his door and when I went inside I found he was sitting at his desk, tears soaking the parchment underneath.

"I cannot do it Ada. I have tried and tried and yet I cannot make the letters," he sobbed.

I did the only thing I could. I wrapped my arms around him and told him that it did not mattered to me at all if he never wrote a single word in elvish for I loved him regardless, and then I tucked him in and went to bed, thinking of his face twisted in sorrow over it.

The next day I walked into his room to tell him it was time for lunch, but he was not there and I walked over to the same desk I had found him at the night before. The tear stained paper was still there, jumbled and unlegible. I searched the entire house for him, and then went to check my study. I did not find him there either but as I went to leave I saw a paper upon my desk. I glanced down at it, and found the most blessed words I have ever seen.

There on my desk in the beautiful script of elvish was Estel's handwriting with the words of "I love you Ada. See I did it."

That was when Erestor came in to tell me Estel was already waiting downstairs for lunch. I sent him on ahead telling him I would follow, and then I tucked the note in my pocket to put in my treasure box for later. These are the small triumphs I live for, the little things that makes a father proud, and with that I went to congratulate Estel on his fine accomplishment.

Month 10 of Year 3027

This is the month I fear, the month in which my sons try heinous acts against us all in the name of the season. Last year's act was without a doubt the worst ever, that was until this year.

I spent the day carving pumpkins for Estel, letting him help me, and we roasted the seeds. We ate our fill of pumpkin pie, and lavished ourselves with other treats, and then sat back for ghost stories in the Hall of Fire. It was a good night with much laughter filling the room.

I went off to bed rather early and checked on my sons who all seemed to be sleeping. I consider this a blessing since Erestor has locked himself in his room for the night, barricading the door. I thought him safe, he thought himself safe, we were both wrong.

I awoke to screams, Erestor's screams to be exact and I rushed from my bed, straight to his room. I pushed on the door but found that his barricade was holding. I ran at the door, pushing with all my might and yet I could not get through, an Erestor's screams were growing louder and louder.

I was never more thankful than when Glorfindel arrived next to me, and together we pushed open the door. What I found inside both horrified me and amused me at the same time.

Estel was hanging above Erestor's bed, a pumpkin on his head. Erestor in his defense was huddled against the headboard, screaming as if his life depended on it. Once I got Estel down, and sent him and his brothers to bed, I realized they had climbed onto the balcony to get in. I will never doubt their determination ever again.

I am now back in my bed, but Erestor has come to sleep with me claiming my sons will get him, and that he is not sleeping alone. Little does he know that I will be leaving and sleeping in his bed once he falls asleep.

Month 11 of Year 3027

The day of thanks, a good day to be repentive of ones sins against others, and my sons should be repenting long until the next day. Many times I have asked the Valar for the strength to keep me sane, and yet I find each day I am slipping into insanity more and more.

The table was laid out with every type of food we could think of, and all of it looked tantalizing. I passed around the plates and soon each person's was filled leaving only room for the stuffing and the turkey.

I stood up and told everyone how thankful I was for my children though they did try my patience. The twins both got up and said their peace, and then the others leaving only Estel to say his. Why I allow the child to speak at the table is beyond me.

He thanked Erestor for not urinating on him last month as he had done the previous year when they tried to sacrifice him, and then he thanked Glorfindel for getting the mud off his shoes that morning telling him only then that the brown substance was not mud at all. He thanked his brothers for not finding out he was in the closet during their last midnight planning session, and last of all he came to me. Suddenly he sat down without a word, and for that I was thankful, silly me.

I picked up the knives and began to carve the juicy turkey, slicing each piece just right, and then it came time for the stuffing. It was not the same color as the previous year, and I wondered what new recipe the cook had used. I pushed the spoon in the turkey to give each person some, but the spoon came back without so much as a single drop of stuffing on it. I was puzzled, and the sly look on Estel's face told me this was not good.

I asked him what was in the turkey and he told me that it was stork eggs. Knowing there were no storks within fifty miles of Imladris, I ventured to guess that what was inside the turkey. I was so wrong in my guess.

Estel announced that the cat that roamed the stables had kittens but that they looked cold, so he had placed them inside the turkey to keep warm. He told me I could remove them like the baby from the lady, but that the turkey was sure to keep them warm until I did.

I am now nursing the many scratches I received while trying to pull the kittens from the turkey. Needless to say it was not eaten during dinner but I did find a very drunk Glorfindel feasting on it an hour ago. I am going to bed now, and I am thankful there is only one Estel.

Month 12 of Year 3027

Yule time is my favorite holiday. Not only do I love the way it changes the children from demons to angels for the month, but also the way family and friends alike come together. King Thranduil has come this year and brought Legolas with him.

The last time they visited Legolas and Estel spent the entire time together, only separated by sleep, and this year it is more of the same. Estel has told Legolas about the gifts everyone is to receive and Legolas is very excited.

I wanted to dress up for the occasion, dragging the Kris Kringle suit out but the thoughts of being attacked by Estel, stayed that thought. I decided to instead just pass out the gifts. All were passed out except for Estel's and he told me he needed a few minutes to get them.

I opened all my gifts, loving each one for the thought put into it, and then I saw Estel return lugging a bag behind him. He looked to need some help, but refused it, and I sat back down. To Erestor he gave a pillow he had made with the help of the chamber maid who adored him. To Glorfindel he gave a leather pouch to keep his supplies in while out hunting, and to the twins he gave new knives that the silversmith had let him help make.

I was astounded at how much thought Estel had put into the gifts, at such a young age, but at times he did seem wiser than his years. To Legolas, Estel gave him something that I had no idea he possessed, a copy of an elvish story. I did not understand the gift as Legolas is far from an elfling, but I came to understand later that it was the one his mother read to him at night.

I swiped at the tears in my eyes, and forgot about my own gift until Estel grabbed me by the hand and led me up the stairs. He opened the door and I found Arwen sitting on my bed. My eyes glistened with tears then and I ran to wrap my arms around her.

"How did you know?" I asked Estel, and his reply was one from a child, one so simple.

"Because you said family was the most important thing during Yule, and ours is not whole without her."

My son of eight summers has taught me tonight that wisdom does not always come with age, but that sometimes it comes with the simplicity of a child. 


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Diary of Elrond

Summary: Elrond's diary from his years with Estel

Disclaimer: I do not own them

A/N: This is merely a parody, and AU Any reviews are welcome, flames are amusing.

Chapter 8

Month 1 of Year 3028

Peace and quiet, that is what I miss most around Imladris. There wasn't much before Estel, but now there is even less. The twins I trained at a young age to have some decorum, but Estel though he has some, shows his lack of it at the worst times, like today.

I informed Erestor that I was stepping out to use the restroom, and he understood that I was not to be disturbed. As I sat down I noticed at once the silence that surrounded me. This was the only place in the house that still remained sacred. A place of solitude as it were.

It was as I was sitting there that Estel slung open the door, and all actions of my bowels preceded to stop. "What are you doing Ada?" he asked me, and I in turn told him what people an elves alike do in the privacy of ones loo. He shut the door and I again returned to what I was doing.

It seems I had made a mistake in eating the second helping of broccoli the night before, and now it was coming back to haunt me. Again I was sitting there and Estel flung open the door.

"Ada, Glorfindel asked where you kept the athelas now so I told him I would come and ask you." The thought alone that Glorfindel did not know where I kept it was boggling to begin with, but there was a more pressing thought on my mind; as in why is it my colon reacts to the door.

"You are not to open this door again Estel. Tell Glorfindel it is on the second shelf on the left." I waited for him to close the door and cursed all the previous straining I had done had gone to waste. How, I told myself could I figure out the mysteries surrounding Sauron when I couldn't figure out how to keep the turd from drawing back up into my colon when the door opened.

Twenty minutes later, after much sweating and grunting I was almost through. As if on cue the door swung open again and I didn't bother looking up thinking it Estel. I turned and wiped myself clean with the towel but when I looked up I was staring the elf from Lorien in the face. I can never live this down I thought as he was too stunned to shut the door.

Again I was saved for a few precious moments when Estel came around the corner and started to make gagging noises. "I told you elves stink just as bad as humans." This was all the time I needed to flee to my room, where I am now still sitting.

Food has been brought to me but I refuse to eat it. I shall not be returning to the loo for some time.

Month 2 of Year 3028

The month of love is upon us again. At the beginning of the month I took Estel aside and told him that he could show me how much he loved me by caring for another on this special day. I have also specified that it should not be anyone from within the household as he loved them already. I feel safe since our talk, and have been lured into a sense of security.

As I sat down to breakfast I noticed Estel was not there and inquired as to his whereabouts. Elladan informed me that a group of travelers had come through and that Estel was outside bidding them farewell with Erestor.

I settled into my meal, and sure enough Estel and Erestor both walked back in and took a seat.

"Ada you will never believe it! They had tumblers and a couple of weird creatures and they even had a wee little man in a cage. I felt so sad for him Ada."

Erestor told me they were a traveling entertainers, and I felt a bit better, but Estel seemed distracted and asked to be excused to watch them ride away from his balcony. He had asked so politely that I found it hard to refuse him and relented. When shall I learn?

Later that evening I came down to dinner, acknowledging first Elladan and then Elrohir who both ignored me completely but to say to is unusual would be a lie. I then turned to Glorfindel and Erestor who also seemed to be staring at something else. My mind raced for a mere half a second, and then I thought of Estel and turned to look.

He was sitting in his chair, a huge smile on his face, but otherwise looking very nice, and then my eyes averted to the very small man beside him. I have seen the so called hobbits, and found that they were small, but not even they were as small as this man.

"I have found someone to love Ada, but all he seems interested in is Erestor."

I was speechless. The man looked to be wild, his hair growing almost in every direction, his beard full of bits of paper and other things. I informed Estel that he could not keep the man, he was not a pet but a being. Estel then informed me that the traveling people had kept him in a cage just like a pet and that he found it cruel and had set him free. How could I say no to his act of compassion?

Estel was told to go and have a bath drawn for the man, and that he was too make sure he got cleaned up before returning to the table. An hour later Estel came back in with a much cleaner little man. His hair was mostly combed and his beard was cut somewhat. "I used your knife Ada, the one you use to cut bandages with."

I sent for the healers to throw out the knife, and to acquire me a new one, and then sent Estel out to play with his new found friend. Estel returned a few minutes later pouting. He told me that his new friend didn't want to play with him but rather the little man kept following Erestor around the courtyard. I had no answer for Estel and told him to make the best of the situation, silly me.

After I went to sleep, Estel got up from his room and went into Erestor's. He then poured honey all over him and added berries, and then went back to his own room. I myself had no knowledge of this taking place. I woke to find the small man in my room climbing up on my bed, my spoon from dinner in his hand. I shooed him away, and he left with a very evil glare in his eyes. I knew then that he must be returned to his people the next day, so I laid back down to get a few hours sleep.

Just before dawn my sleep was interrupted by screams coming from down the hall. I grabbed my robe and the dagger I keep on the dressing table and ran to find out what was wrong. I found the twins and Glorfindel in the hallway, Estel in Elladan's arms, so that left the screams to be coming from Erestor's room.

I slung open the door ready to battle the foe, but when I saw who it was my dagger clattered to the floor. There atop Erestor was the little man, his spoon in his hand. He was eating the honey off of Erestor's back. I took a step forward but the little man growled at me, and I admit I was shocked into halting. It was then the little man did something so horrible I still have the visions of it today. There were berries sprinkled all about Erestor's backside, glued almost to him by the honey, but one had gotten away, and the little man plunged his spoon in after it.

I have never heard such noises coming from my advisor, nor did I know he was so well versed in dwarvish curses. I have rid him of the devious little man, but I must say the little man clung to him viciously. Estel has now been chastised and told not to bring anymore strangers into the home, especially if they look to be homeless.

That night I stared around the table at the somber mood, Erestor hasn't spoken since then, and even now he glares at Estel as if it had been him instead of the little man trying to scrap his colon. Dinner went without incident until Estel got up from his chair and leaned over the table, peering at something in Erestor's plate we assumed.

"Estel! what do you think you are doing?" I questioned him.

He tried to explain but I shushed him, telling him how rude that was. Dinner was then finished and I turned to Estel and told him to apologize to the others for his earlier transgression. Estel folded his arms and huffed. "Fine I am sorry I leaned over the table, but if you would have let me talk I was about to tell Erestor something."

"Nothing could be so important that you must lean over our food Estel surely."

Estel rolled his eyes, a trait I am finding to test my patience. "Fine, next time I won't tell Erestor the spoon he is using is the same one that the little man was using last night. I thought he would like to know!"

Erestor's face turned two shades of green and then he heaved all of his dinner onto the table. I now have a headache, a sick advisor, and a very self righteous son who informed me that his interruption was nothing compared to Erestor throwing up into what was left of the mashed potatoes.

Month 3 of Year 3028

It is now spring and Estel's birthday came and went. He turned nine summers this year, and received his very first real sword. It isn't a full length sword, but the elvensmiths did a wonderful job making him one that fit a nine year old boy. I have been pleased with his progress, but the nice weather has been making Estel feel anxious to get out more and more. ''Glorfindel just the other day told him all about the Halls of Mandos, and how beautiful and peaceful it was there, but Estel afterwards seemed to brighten up and came to ask me if he could go outside.

I of course agreed to it and saw him later carrying the shovel outside. Estel walked past the gardens to the little area near the tree line and started digging. I thought it a bit odd, but as it was keeping him from underneath my feet I was all for it at the time.

Two hours later Estel came in for lunch and asked Glorfindel if he would come and tell him more about Mandos while he helped him with the hole. It was an odd request, but Glorfindel smirked and promised he would help. I think it was so he wouldn't have to attend the afternoon meeting with me.

The meeting was as boring as ever, and at least once I heard the patter of Estel's small feet in the hallway. As the meeting ended I walked my guests out and saw Estel taking one of the potted flowers from the hallway. "May I have this Ada?" he asked.

I told him he could, and he had the biggest smile on his face, as he skipped out, flower in hand. I should never underestimate the inner workings of a child's mind. Estel had not come in for dinner and it was going to be dark in a few hours so I went outside to collect him. I found him exactly where he was before, but now there was no hole, the hole had been filled in and the flower from earlier had been planted on top.

As I neared him I thought how endearing it was that Estel would plant a flower considering his usual habits of tearing the ones in the garden down by mistake. I came to stand next to him and told him dinner was ready but Estel did not budge, he simply stared at the fresh dirt, as if waiting for the flower to bloom more.

"What are you waiting for, come, your dinner will be cold."

Estel pointed to the fresh dirt. "I am waiting for Glorfindel," he said pointing to where the flower was planted.

I admit I had no idea what he was talking about. "Glorfindel? Why would you be waiting for Glorfindel out here? Didn't he return when you were done?"

Estel again rolled his eyes at me. "Glorfy is in there," he said, pointing to where the flower was. Now my senses were telling me something was very wrong. "Estel," I asked. "What do you mean?"

"Ada, you were the one who told me he couldn't fly, but Glorfy told me today that all people return to the soil from which they were born when they die, and then are born anew. I am waiting for Glorfy to be born anew like before."

Fear took over all rational thought, and I began screaming at Estel as I dropped to my knees flinging the dirt to the side as fast as I could. "What were you thinking Estel! Glorfindel will suffocate!"

Estel glared at me then yelled right back. "He will not suffocate! I put a hole in there so he could breathe, see the tubes over there!" he said pointing to two identical tubes one smaller than the other. Again rational thought left me as I asked something so stupid. "Why are there two tubes Estel?" I asked now grabbing the shovel to speed up the process of freeing Glorfindel.

"In case he has to go to the bathroom!" Estel said, as if it should have been clear to me. Apparently Estel had not been paying attention during the lesson on gravity, as urine has never been known to flow up. I frantically used the shovel until at last I came to the wooden box, and leaned over opening it to find Glorfindel looking quite shocked. I helped him out of the hole where he lunged for Estel, his hands trying to wrap around his throat.

"You buried me alive!" he shouted. Glorfindel is quite strong I must admit, and I was having a hard time holding him back.

"You don't make for a very good elf. You came back before, but you couldn't even climb out of the dirt."

"You hit me over the head with the shovel!" Glorfindel shouted. "I am lucky to be alive at all, and I have a big lump on my head."

Estel glared even harder then. "How else were you supposed to be born again? Sometimes grown ups make no sense at all."

Glorfindel then lunged for Estel, this time grabbing him by his hair and at once Estel's face looked frightened. I feel badly honestly I do, but my fatherly instincts kicked in and I tried to pry him from Estel. Glorfindel was having none of that, and seemed determined to inflict serious pain on Estel. As a last resort I took up the shovel and hit him in the head again, and he fell to the ground beside me. I picked him up, and then glanced over at Estel to make sure he was all right.

What shocked me was that he did not look frightened at all, but now he looked almost happy. "I knew you understood Ada! You are going to throw him in the hole aren't you? Come on I can shovel very fast, I did last time."

Estel is now mad at me, for he has been punished for his misdeed, as I did not in fact throw Glorfy in the hole again as he wished, but instead carried him back inside. He did however tell me he had other plans for Glorfindel, and that at least one of them should work. I am thinking now that Glorfindel needs to take a long vacation to Lorien, one that would last a few decades.

Month 4 of Year 3028

I find myself pondering life in general these days, a task I did not do before. I have lived many lives of men here on Arda and yet it seems no time has passed. It was not until Estel came here that I began this ritual of watching and keeping track of time.

When he was but two I would sit by him and count the hours till morning when he would no longer suffer from the nightmares. When he was but four I would sit and think of how long he could go on asking me questions about the sun and the moon; and now I sit here wondering how much longer it will be before he leaves the innocence of childhood behind him and I must tell him the truth.

I am ending this entry for now. I must go and find Estel for time is precious and I haven't a moment to spare while he is still small.

Month 5 of Year 3028

I regret that I am not more careful in my teachings. Today I felt the sudden urge to teach Estel a few healing techniques, specifically bandaging wounds. I have asked Erestor to help us with out task, and he told me that he would do so under great duress.

Two hours later Estel has bandaged Erestor's leg and arm, and both looked fairly well for his first attempt. Just as I was about to teach him to bandage Erestor's head, Elladan came through the door, and told me I was needed downstairs.

I told Estel to practice while I was gone, and that I wouldn't be long. I left him in the care of Elladan, my mistake again. There was a stranger asking for food supplies to reach his home, and of course I offered him shelter for the night. I went about helping settle him, showing him the bathing chamber, and his room. I completely lost track of time and found it was dinner time and sent Elrohir to fetch his brothers.

Our meal was enjoyable with all the children behaving quite well. I didn't think about Erestor's absence as often he is too busy reading to come down for dinner. Many hours later I bade the children good night and went to retire to my bed. Sleep came easily that night, and I dreamt wonderful things about Celebrian.

In my dreams she was whispering of our love into my ear, speaking softly to me, but for some reason her words were mumbled. It seemed so real I felt I had to open my eyes to assure myself it was a dream, but when I did I let out what was referred to later as a girlish scream. Standing above me was Erestor bandaged from head to toe. The only thing not bandaged was his nose so he could breathe.

He has since been unbandaged, and the stained bandages burned. I know now that leaving Estel with either of his brothers is not wise and they are just as corrupt as he is.

Month 6 of Year 3028

Estel has informed me that it is hot outside, and yet I do not feel the heat from the sun's rays as he does. He often comes in sweaty, and smelly. Elves, I told him do not feel the heat like he does. We do not sweat often, and usually it is from very strenuous activity or from poison.

It was as Estel came in yet again sweaty, and flopped himself down at the dinner table that I reprimanded him. I watched as he filled his plate with a bit of everything, not even using his fork for most of it. I spoke to him about his table manners then.

"Estel! You will be as big as a troll if you keep eating like that!"

Estel promptly threw down his fork then and glared at me and I must say he does a very good rendition of myself. "Glorfindel is eating twice as much as me!" he proclaimed.

Glorfindel then put down his own fork, blushing as he did so. I must admit I gave Glorfindel a once over and noticed he too was putting on a bit of weight. Estel stomped out of the room, very upset. I spoke with him later and he seemed appeased, so I left to go and speak with Glorfindel about setting an example, and also about his midsection that seemed to be growing, despite his elveness.

It was about a week later when a very haggard looking woman came to our door and begged for food. She told us her small town was starving, the children, the adults, even the old. My heart went out to her and I told her that I would send my sons out first thing in the morning with ample supplies to help their town.

The next morning I sent both Elladan and Elrohir the town, and felt that Glorfindel could use a little exercise as well. Estel at this point begged and pleaded with me to let him ride with Glorfindel and I saw no harm in it. The small town was within an hour from Imladris so I let him go.

Many hours later a very tired Elladan returned saying that all was well in the town and that Elrohir and Estel were right behind him. I inquired about Glorfindel, and he told me that he had gone off in the other direction towards the center of town.

It has been two days and I have not seen Glorfindel. I have grown very worried, and have taken my sons to go and search for him, leaving Erestor to watch over Imladris for the day. When I got to the edge of town, Estel grew very quiet, although he had been chattering away earlier during the ride.

A woman kneeled down before me, and then shook my hand vigoursly. I did not know why she thanked me for the gift, but when I turned the corner I found out. Glorfindel was tied and bound naked in the middle of the town square, a note stuck to him.

I leapt from my horse and took off running towards him to cover his nakedness from prying eyes. He mumbled something that I could not hear till I got closer and then found it was several curses, in many languages. What shocked me most was the note scribbled in elvish, and then glued to him.

It read "I send this elf for you to eat, though please leave his head and feet." The note was signed Eat well, Love Santa Claus. The note was written by none other than Estel, who admitted later to me that he thought Glorfindel was getting fat, though I only had berated him. It seems Estel is devious, like his brothers, and I shall have to watch my words around him.

As I lay here in my bed though I fear for the town's children. What will they think of Santa Claus now?

Month 7 of Year 3028

It is a glorious day here in Imladris. The twins have taken Estel for the day so I could get some much needed rest. I spent the last two days patching up a few of our border guards who had gotten into a skirmish with orcs. They are now resting comfortably I hope, for I am exhausted.

I sat down to dinner but I wasn't even hungry for all the last two days events had taken their toll on my appetite, and it seems my patience. Estel is once again speaking with his mouth full, peas flying from it as he speaks, and my temper gets the best of me.

"Estel, you haven't got one iota of manners or decorum while at the table!" I shouted at him. Estel then started in on begging me to go out with his brothers the next day, basically ignoring my comments to him. Am I a fool to think I have raised him to be a good a decent person with manners and common sense. I quickly tell him that he is not to leave his room after dinner, and he is sufficiently quiet for the rest of the meal.

Estel asked to be excused, refusing his dessert even, and went straight to his room. I wanted to go after him, but I knew in my heart that he needed this lesson. I sat through many songs in the Hall of Fire afterwards but found I could not stay awake much longer. After excusing myself I went to retire for the night. As I passed Estel's room I found myself wanting to check on him.

I opened the door and found his bed empty, the sheets gone. I instantly grew angry, knowing he had not obeyed me and stayed in his room. I flew down the hall to his brother's room, thinking he would be there. I was ready to berate him, yell, and punish all at the same time but he was not there.

By now I didn't know whether to panic or merely be angry. I was headed to alert the others when I saw the door the healing ward open. I thought perhaps that one of the elves had needed me and rushed inside.

There I found Estel, spooning soup to one of the elves. When he saw me his face turned bright red and his face saddened. "Well, explain yourself," I told him.

"I went to bed, honest I did Ada, but I heard someone calling and went to see who it was. The elves needed help so I tried to help them."

As I looked around I saw indeed Estel's handiwork. A halfway bandaged arm, and a cloth laying on each head. I found myself too stunned to speak, and as Estel walked past me to his room I grabbed him.

"Forgive me Estel," I said, hugging him where he stood. Estel did not understand then, but I found out that night my son was no fool. In fact deep down inside him was nothing short of a angel.

Month 8 of Year 3028

I should write that as I speak all three of the children are confined to their rooms, strike that, to one single room. I have found putting them all there helps me to keep a better watch on them.

It seems to celebrate their friend's birthing day Elladan an Elrohir decided to drink a few bottles of wine. This normally would not have been a problem, but it seems Estel gave them the bottle of corn liquor that the traveler left last year. Between the two of them they drank half of that also, and then being drunk, gave the rest to Estel.

I would never have known had I not had a company of men visiting at the time. They had just arrived and I was greeting them at the door and called for the boys to come to be introduced.

I should have known something was wrong from the wide grin on Estel's face, and the way Elrohir fell into our guest, rather than shaking his hand. The smell hit me just as it hit our guests, but it was not until Estel's rather rude belch that I fully understood how drunk they were.

I glared at them and tried to usher them away, but the man in the back of the doorway pushed himself forward, taking off his cap to shake their hand. Elladan promptly hurled into the man's hat at this time, and Estel relieved himself on the man's shoe.

I am thoroughly disgraced. I picked up Estel by his shoulders, and marched him and the twins to their rooms. Now I must go and try to excuse my son's behavior, but I had second thoughts when I looked around the corner to find him with only one shoe. May the Valar save me from insanity.

Month 9 of Year 3028

I am overjoyed! The pantries have been filled with fresh meat thank to the twins. We did not have any fresh vegetables but a group of travelers came through and offered us some in exchange for supplies. We now have corn, and a strange brown bean they call pintos.

It has been two days now and Estel has fallen in love with these pintos. He requests them at every meal, and the other night I found him sitting in the kitchen with a large bowl of them, eating as if he was starved. I was glad he had found something that was good for him, and that he enjoyed.

It was not until the fourth day of him eating these beans that we found out the ramifications of them. We were all sitting in the Hall of Fire enjoying a poetry reading by one of the elves when a rather loud noise came from the corner. I did not know what it was, and the reading went on. Again the loud noise seemed to echo throughout the room, and when I looked over at Estel he looked away. It was not until Estel himself asked to read from the book of poems that we found out the culprit.

Estel stood there reciting in almost perfect elvish and I felt so proud. As I listened to his words, I heard something very odd come from his direction. It was strange but Estel only paused for a second before continuing on. It wasn't until Erestor turned a fair shade of green and moved swiftly from behind Estel that I wondered.

It is now an hour later and I have spoken to Estel privately. It seems humans are effected in certain ways and expel odors. I would never say this to Estel, but times like these I am glad I am elven. He feels very bad, but I have told him to try and contain it when around others. This proposition gave way too many embarrassing moments.

I have given Estel something I hope to cure him of this, but he has asked me to stay the night with him. I sat in the chair for hours, breathing only when I had to. I am ashamed to admit it now, but my child is rather foul. It was in the wee hours of the morning and loss of sleep had clouded my mind. I thought to crawl underneath the covers and get rid of the crink in my neck.

Estel looked so peaceful, and I pulled the covers back and crawled in. Within seconds Estel rolled over and that is when it hit me. I gagged, my eyes watered and yet I could not get away fast enough.

I am now sleeping in my own room. Estel shall never again eat pinto beans while in Imladris.

Month 10 of Year 3028

I am so leery this month and with good reason. Erestor is jumping at shadows, and Glorfindel has told me he would sail if they tried to bury him again. I have assured both of them that the children will not try anything this Hallow's Eve, how wrong I was.

Well, to be honest both Glorfindel and Erestor were very safe, but Thranduil and Legolas are visiting, along with a group of elves from Lorien. Now usually all is fine in the palace although we are all from different backgrounds; however mix three sets of elves and one human together and something is bound to happen.

It seems one of the elves from Lorien was speaking of humans and one of Thranduil's guards spoke harshly of them. He mentioned he would rather be elven, with his fair skin and perfect golden hair, than to ever be a human. He even went so far as to say he would rather sail than to ever share the fate of men.

I should have known the boys would not let that go lightly, but when they simply excused themselves politely I was caught off guard. That night I did not see any of the boys, nor Legolas as we toasted to good fortune and health in the Hall of Fire. Earlier in the day I had seen Legolas and the twins speaking to a very somber Estel in his room. When I inquired if I was needed they said no.

I admit I spoke to the guard about his words, and told him in no uncertain terms he was to keep such comments from ever leaving his mouth again. I said good night to my guests and then to the children and went off to sleep. I should have known not too, my instincts should have screamed for me to stay awake, but they didn't.

When morning came the elves were set to leave. We all sat down to breakfast together, but when it was time to go Thranduil could not find his guard. All of us searched the grounds, but two hours later we still could not find him. When we returned we found my sons and Legolas lazing about as if they had no care in the world. I ask them what they had done then, for their faces told me they had done something.

The twins and Legolas started ranting about the guard, and how he should be punished for what he said about Estel. I agree that he should be punished but when they led me to the River Bruinen I was shocked.

On a small raft sat Thranduil's guard. His hair was no longer golden, and his skin wasn't either. He was naked and tied to the raft. I sent some of my own guards to release him, but as he approached I backed away from the smell. This is when he started his tale of what happened.

"King Thranduil, Lord Elrond, excuse my appearance. Your sons grabbed me in the wee hours of dawn. First they beat me about the head, telling me I spoke naught but lies. I stood my ground, but four against one were not good odds. Even Prince Legolas flogged me!"

"Why do you smell?" King Thranduil asked, keeping his distance.

It was then the guard finished his story. The four of them said I was not fit to shovel to droppings of the horses and then preceded to cover me in them. I do believe it was Elladan who suggested it while the other three held me down. I was then told that I was far too mighty to stay in Arda and was stripped of my clothing, and bound to the raft."

I did not know why he was, but is seems Estel suggested he would make it to the Grey Havens that way eventually. King Thranduil is upset but not with anyone but his guard. I fear however this will strain relations with Mirkwood. The guard left for the Undying Lands promptly after being told he could go there or find his way to the Halls of Mandos by Elrohir and Legolas.

I am now sitting in my room chuckling over how protective not only my sons are over Estel but Legolas as well.

Month 11 of Year 3028

The day of Thanks is upon us again. We have but two days to get ready and I wish this year to not have any unforeseen accidents. The turkey is in the oven, and the twins and Estel are all out preparing the tables. I have tried to account for anything that could go wrong, but again I find that I am lacking in my abilities lately.

I made the mistake of letting Estel help prepare the food with the cooks. He is usually underfoot, and I figured this way he was occupied, elven error on my part. When I inquired about how things were going I was escorted out of the kitchen by the cooks, and the door was slammed.

It is now only an hour before dinner and I am quite hungry. The twins have sent Estel to bathe as he was covered in flour and something sticky. Once they were all done we gathered in the dining room and sat down. Each person gave his thanks and then the meal was brought out.

All of it looked so lovely, and I helped myself to each serving, passing it around the table. It was as I lifted the silver tureen and went to ladle it out that I was surprised. It looked wonderful and yet Estel claimed he help make it, adding a touch of spices to it. It was without a doubt very good.

Dinner over the desserts came out next and I marveled at how wonderful they all smelled. Estel showed me the brownies he made and I stared at them, taking one and biting it. It tasted good, and before I knew it I was eating another and another. Everyone at the table started eating them, but Estel seemed content with the berry tarts.

It was only then I was told by Estel the secret ingredient. He informed us that he had used all of the herbs growing on the north side of the field. These herbs were quite potent, mind numbing, almost like the pipeweed smoked by the hobbits. I soon found myself very paranoid, diving beneath the table lest I be seen.

Erestor too became quite out of character and stood up announcing he was hot. That in itself should have been warning enough, but it was when he began to strip his clothing off till he was nude that I was alarmed, for he sat back down and proceeded to finish eating, quite naked.

I spent the majority of two hours under the table and awoke to find several odd things. Erestor was still naked, only now he was sitting, patting his stomach very full after eating seven turkey sandwiches. Elladan was laying with his face in the bowl of gravy, drooling as he slept, and Elrohir and Glorfindel were having a debate over the last brownie.

I had to knock Glorfindel out for he was going to stab Elrohir with his fork for the brownie. Elladan has been cleaned up and taken to his room, and Erestor fled to the gardens naked when I went to grab him. I do hope he comes in before he too falls asleep and the birds and other animals find him amusing. I have vowed never again to eat something Estel has made, without my direct supervision.

Month 12 of Year 3028

This year we have all vowed to give gifts that we have made or something simple. This is a tradition I was a part of when the twins were small and now I feel like passing it along to Estel. All week long everyone worked hard on their gifts and when Yule morning arrived, none were more pleased than I at the amount of thought that went into them. Once everyone was finished I then told Estel it was his turn to give each person their gift.

He informed everyone that he was too small to make anything good but that he had something for each of them. Everyone assured Estel they would love his gift regardless because it came from him. Estel first walked to Elladan and Elrohir and handed them a small package each. Inside were a small set of twin daggers Legolas had given him for a gift. He told them that they were for when they went out in the wilds, so that they would have a spare, just in case they needed it. Both went to object, but I shook my head no.

Next he went to Glorfindel and to him he handed him a beautifully wrapped package and inside laid his blanket he had since he was a mere babe. "This is for when you are out in the wilds to keep you safe and warm at night."

Glorfindel had tears in his ancient eyes, and hugged Estel thusly. Next came Erestor. To him Estel handed a tablet. "This is when you told me I was not be studious enough. I drew these pictures of you." Erestor seemed captivated by the simple drawings. They were from the heart, and it told him how much Estel really cared.

I expected nothing from Estel, as I needed nothing, and yet he walked toward me carrying a package. I could not refuse it, for it would have broken his heart. I opened it carefully and peered inside. In the golden paper laid Estel's stuffed bear.

"You don't have anyone to tell your troubles to Ada, so I am giving you my bear. He will listen even in the middle of the night, and he won't even tell if you wake up crying from a nightmare." My eyes misted over with tears, and I grabbed Estel up into my arms. How could such a devious little boy be so filled with generosity and love? Each year I learn more and more how one human child can indeed change the fate of the world. 


	9. Chapter 9

Title: Diary of Elrond

Summary: Elrond's diary from his years with Estel

Disclaimer: I do not own them

A/N: This is merely a parody, and AU Any reviews are welcome, flames are amusing. This is also unbetaed

Chapter 9

Month 1 of Year 3029

The snows have settled in Imaldris and I am happy. The children have spent the day out playing in the snows, and I have gotten much work done. Perhaps this year will be prosperous and finally the pranks will come to an end.

It is now well past five and I have sent Glorfindel to find Erestor, neither have returned. I must now go and search them out for I need their advice on matters of importance.

When I stepped into the courtyard I found that Estel had made a snowman, something that I had done when I was but an elfling. It was rather tall and I wondered how he had gotten to scarf around its neck, but I questioned him not as he beamed up at me.

I took Estel by the hand and led him inside, not wanting him to catch a cold. I did not find either of my advisors and went back to the paperwork that was almost complete.

Dinner time rolled around and I strolled down to the dining hall. As I passed the view of the courtyard I saw that the perfect snowman from earlier in the day was now quite haggard looking and it appeared yellow in color. Before I went out to dinner I scolded the dogs lying nearby and walked over to the snowman, packing more ice on it so that it would keep for the rest of the night.

Dinner over and reading in the Hall of Fire also over my worry for my two trusted friends grew. Elladan assured me they were probably out and had lost track of the time, as often elves do.

It was not until I went to tuck in Estel that I found the answer to my questions. "Is there something bothering you Ada."

I smiled down at my son who was getting older. "I cannot seem to find Glorfindel or Erestor. I have searched them out, but they have not turned up."

"They will be back tomorrow, after the noonday sun," Estel supplied.

Immediately I was on alert. "How do you know this Estel?" I stupidly asked.

"Because I made a snowman around Glorfy and Erestor I buried in the big snowbank next to the woodshed. I told Glorfindel he could last longer than Erestor but Erestor said he would not be outdone by Glorfy, so I buried them both. Although I do wonder how they will eat and go to the bathroom." Estel then laid down, closing his eyes in sleep.

I ran for the courtyard and the snowman I had packed more snow on earlier that day. Again it was covered in yellow spots, courtesy of the dogs, and I began shoveling the snow away with my hands. I called for the twins and told them to start digging in the snow by the woodshed and they did though they looked at me oddly for asking.

Ten minutes later I recovered both of my trusted friends. They had lost all dignity as they were quite stained from the dogs, and yet they still could mutter death curses through their chattering teeth.

I was wrong in my assumption that Estel had outgrown things such as this, so wrong.

Mont 2 of Year 3029

Why do I fear this month? It could be because of all the past times I have found myself tainted until I had to drink many bottles of wine to douse the memories of them.

This months however I have sent Estel to Lorien with his brothers. Galadriel is very fond of Estel, but I know she will show him a firm hand should he find himself into mischief. I shall now write down the story as it was related to me.

Estel arrived safely with the escort I sent him with, and the first night went by without incident. The next morning however it seems that the she elves of Lorien thought Estel simply too cute not to dress up, braiding his hair and all. This in turn made Estel furious and he was hell bent on revenge.

The entire of Lorien awoke the next morning to find their clothing drifting in the river. None had anything more than their boots, and or shoes. It seems Galadriel was highly upset when Estel used her mirror to wash Haldir's socks in, and was not amused when her entire realm had to run for the river naked to retrieve their clothes.

Estel is now home, forbidden to return to Lorien for at least a year. I am glad he was there and not here, but now he has asked me many questions about the opposite sex that I do not care to answer.

Month 3 of Year 3029

Ten summers, and already his room is compiled with more stuff than all of Imladris. For this very reason I have sent Estel to clean his room, to include his closet. He of course grumbled, but I informed him that I would be checking behind him, and if it were not done, that he would not be going out to play.

It has now been two hours, and still I have not seen Estel. Something tells me to check on him, and now I wish I hadn't. When I opened the door I stumbled over a mound of clothing at least a foot high, none of which was clean. I wonder how Estel amassed such a pile.

If that was not enough I stepped over the pile of clothing and my foot landed on something green, with hair on it. My stomach churned at the sight of what had been at one time a sandwich, or perhaps it was a piece of fruit, regardless it was now on the bottom of my shoe.

"Estel!" I called to him, and a small head peered from the closet. "What are you doing in there?" I stupidly asked.

"Cleaning Ada. You said I had to clean up or I couldn't go outside," Estel said matter of factly.

I went to join him by the closet door, and found the missing kitchen supplies. Two bowls, four spoons, and a cup with something congealed in it. "Did we not speak about no eating in your room?"

"This is my closet Ada, not my room. I wouldn't dare eat in my room."

I rolled my eyes, sorry I had not been more literal with the boy. "From now on no more eating in your room or your closet." I went to leave the mess when my eyes spotted something else in the corner of the room.

Toy soldiers, four pieces of parchment with dogs drawn on them, three shoes with no match to the other, and a very large pair of undergarments, not of which were male.

"Estel, how ... why?" I stuttered as I pointed at the things. His answer was one I had not expected.

"Those are my toys Ada, and the pictures I drew of the dog. I can't seem to find the other shoes to match these yet, but I know I will, except for one because we buried the hamster in it."

"Who's undergarment is that?" I said, trying to control the anxiety I felt suddenly.

"Those are Erestor's. Me and Elladan took them out of his room and used them for a slingshot to try and see who could get the rock the further."

"Discard them immediately!" I yelled without meaning too. There would be a conversation on whom they belonged to.

It was only then that I realized Estel had mentioned a dog, and that is when I saw the various piles left by said animal. Before I could say anything else I told Estel to have it cleaned up before dinner or else. I thought this would encourage him to hurry along in his task. How silly of me to think this.

I returned promptly at six and opened the door. The floor was now clean and free from any clothing or other disgusting things. I commended Estel on finishing his task and took him down to dinner.

Everyone was there but I could not for some reason bring myself to look at Erestor as we still had not spoken about he undergarments. Dinner was pleasant and after that I told Estel he could go out and play. He thanked me and left with his brothers, and I went up to his room.

Again when I opened the door I found nothing but what appeared to be a clean room. I stepped inside and found Estel's bed made, but it looked funny somehow. At a closer glance, I saw where the toy soldiers had been shoved underneath his mattress, and the shoes now with their matches, lined up underneath it.

The closet was next, and as I opened the door, I was bombarded with objects falling on me. I slung them away, finding the aroma of said closet not to be pleasing. I was now furious and went to the balcony to yell for Estel to return, and had to step back as I leaned over.

There hanging from a branch on the tree was the undergarment. I would have though it had been flung from the balcony until I noticed the half eaten sandwich laid into the crotch are of it, as it was tied to the branch of the tree. My stomach churned again and I called for my son.

Estel came into the room looking rather upset. "What is the meaning of this?" I asked, pointing at the thing in the tree.

"It is so the birds won't get hungry Ada. You said not to waste food, so I figured they would eat it."

"Should any bird dare to land here, and partake of this food it would surely be in the Halls of Mandos within seconds. Secondly, I thought I said clean the room, not shove everything underneath something else."

Estel folded his arms then. "I did clean it up Ada."

"Just what did you clean?"

"I picked up all the clothes and put them in the closet, even the pair of leggings stuck to the floor. I picked up the soldiers, but I started playing with them and got tired so we took a nap, and I left them in the bed. I found all my shoes even."

"Did you actually clean anything Estel, using soap and water?"

Estel shook his head yes. "I cleaned the mess the dog made over in the corner with soap and water, but it still wouldn't come up. I even tried scrubbing it with one of the shoes but it still wouldn't come up."

"And then?"

"Well, you said to think about a problem and solve it so I used this," Estel said picking up the knife I had seen carving the roast at lunch. "It came right off the floor when I used it Ada. All I had to do was scrape a little bit, and it was like magic."

Elrond's stomach then did churn, his nausea almost overwhelming him. "Is that not the knife we used at lunch Estel, and here you have been scrapping up the dropping of a dog with it."

Estel rolled his eyes then. "I did rinse it off Ada. I knew you would want me to clean it." Estel left back out of the room as Elrond ran to heave into the loo. There will be a long lecture tomorrow about all of this, but after I remove Erestor's undergarments from the tree, as a bird has already be unlucky enough to eat what was within.

Month 4 of Year 3029

Tis again the month of fools, and I do not intend to be the unsuspecting person this year. I have asked that my meals be first tasted, and I shall not be roaming the halls tonight no matter what happens.

The entire day and night I was indeed safe. I cannot however say the same for Mithrandir. It is often that he comes to visit us here in Imladris, always bringing fireworks. Today he came carrying no less than twenty of the things.

Estel of course was delighted to see him, I on the other hand knew that the old wizard should be leery of any and all today of all days.

I tried to tell him of Estel's unusual pranks, but he waved me off, telling me that Estel could be no worse than some of the hobbits he had encountered. How wrong he was.

Lunch went by without so much as a peep from Estel, but I knew this could only be an omen of what was to come later.

I was rushing back to my room when I passed Mithrandir's room. Stupidly I opened the door, and found it empty. How I wish I hadn't done that. As the Lord of Imladris I am to make sure no harm comes to my guests, be they ignorant of my warnings or not.

I stormed down the hall, almost knocking down Erestor in my path. He questioned my mood and I informed him that Mithrandir was missing. This sent my fearless advisor running to his room, slamming the door behind him. Sometimes he can be such a coward.

I searched everywhere even enlisting the help of the twins but I did not find either the wizard or Estel. It wasn't until I smelt the rancid odor that I knew something was up.

I took off running towards the smell, my senses leading me to the courtyard. There I spotted Mithrandir tied to one of his own fireworks, Estel standing there match in hand. I screamed, but alas I was too late, and the rocket was lit.

To say that a wizard on fire is a horrid sight is an understatement. If Mithrandir had only been on fire that is. The fire quickly made it way to the fuse, setting off the firework; however it did not take off as planned.

Mithrandir saw the doom that awaited him, and closed his eyes seconds before the burning fuse sent his underpants a flame. The rocket fizzled out, not even leaving his back where it had been strapped, but the fire had found a new outlet in his leggings. He dance about the courtyard, screaming and ranting, as the twins and I doused the flames.

Estel was not at all happy, as I lectured him for may hours about not using matches every again, to which he told me that I would then have to light his candle each night and each trip to the loo. I think it is a small price to pay considering. Now I must leave for I have to go and check Mithrandir's burns.

He better not ask me again when his hair will be growing back.

Month 5 of Year 3029

Erestor and Glorfindel have volunteered to go on the hunt this month. The twins and I found this to be very amusing for the twins are the ones who hunt here in Imladris. I personally think that they just wish to get away from Estel who seems to be coming down with spring fever.

I have found that when Estel has less to do he finds himself in more trouble so I have decided to give him a much needed break. Today he and I will go out into the forest surrounding Imladris and collect herbs, having a picnic while we are there.

We spent the morning finding several different herbs, Estel's knowledge of the plants amazing me at times. I often thought he was not paying attention during our lessons but it seems he was.

As a reward I called a halt to the search and laid out the blanket for the picnic. Estel and I shared our meal and I noticed for the first time that he wasn't the baby I thought him to be. His legs are growing longer, his hair almost as long as Elladan's.

As we headed back I was lost in thoughts of how soon he would be grown and my eyes misted up with tears. Estel must have noticed for a small hand reached up and grabbed mine. All the illusions of him being grown melted in that second as he tugged me onward to run with him back home.

Month 6 of Year 3029

We set off for Mirkwood on a much needed trip. All has been well in Imladris, and I felt Estel needed some time away. He has often spoke of missing Legolas, and this would give them time to catch up.

The trip seemed to take forever, Estel's questions never ceasing. He had worn himself out by the next to the last day, circles under his eyes, as he claimed he could not sleep because of being so excited. I tried to drug him, but it seems Estel grew wise to that last year, and tossed the tea out. I found him staring at me around three that morning, still awake.

We arrived without any problems at all, and King Thranduil greeted us. Alongside him was Legolas who ran to meet Estel and the twins even before we dismounted. The four of them ran off to get into Valar knows what trouble, while Thranduil introduced me to one of his new advisors.

The advisor was an adan, which surprised me. Although the man did not live in Mirkwood he often stayed for a week at a time or more when business kept him there. Thranduil and I didn't see any of the children until dinner that night, and that is when I noticed that Legolas too had dark circles under his eyes.

The elven prince had never been seen looking anything but in perfect health unless injured and I saw no sign of that. I inquired about his lack of sleep, to which he mumbled that the new advisor snored louder than a herd of wargs.

I must admit I laughed when I heard him say it, that is till dawn the next day when I too had spent the night waiting for the advisor to shut up. Legolas and Estel both seemed very irritated, and I was a bit cranky myself. We spent the day away from the palace and their moods seemed to be a bit better for awhile.

We spent the next few day in Mirkwood, each one bringing about many very irate people. The advisor of course swore that he did not snore that loud, though we all told him he did. Thranduil would have sent him back home had they not needed his opinions.

I have found that Estel and Legolas both without sleep, are worse than the minions of Sauron. They have both been sent to bed early in hopes that they would get some sleep. I shall now relate the events that led up to a very disturbing discovery.

It seems according to Legolas that they did try to sleep, but again the snoring kept them awake. The two of them met in the hallway, faces glaring in anger, eyes swollen from lack of sleep. They entered the room of the advisor and stepped closer to the bed.

The first attempt at a quiet night was having Estel pinch the man's nose shut, this failed after only three seconds, where Estel claims he almost sucked his whole hand down his throat.

Legolas was next to try when he rolled the advisor over on his side. This seemed to work until they walked to the door, and that is when the advisor rolled back over onto his back, and the snores grew louder.

Estel was frustrated now, and swore under his breath it seems. Legolas too was angry and snatched the pillow from underneath the man's head. His head hit the bed, but the snoring continued. Legolas was growing more and more angry, and this is when I stirred in my bed.

Estel frustrated beyond belief grabbed the pillow and placed it over the advisor's face. This alone was not enough to cease the noise, so Estel climbed atop the bed and sat down on the pillow. This is the moment Thranduil and I walked in.

Legolas was standing beside the bed, a look of satisfaction on his face, and Estel was still perched atop the pillow. The advisor soon began to struggle, his arms flailing sending Estel toppling over at last onto the bed.

"What is the meaning of this!" he yelled, having been woken in such a matter.

"You snore like a drunken mule, and I wanted to go to sleep. I tried to be nice about it, but I figured if you couldn't breathe you couldn't snore," Estel said, matter of factly. Legolas nodded his head in approval.

The advisor looked first to them and then to King Thranduil. The king seemed as if he were going to excuse Legolas and Estel from the room for a stern lecture, but Legolas did not budge.

"I swear to all of Arda that if he snores once more tonight I will be back here to fill his nostrils with salt while he sleeps."

Estel cheered Legolas on, adding his own thoughts. "I too will help Legolas, by thrashing him over the head with the heaviest object I can find."

My eyebrows rose but before I could speak to Estel he spoke again. "You told me sleep was good for a growing boy Ada. If I don't sleep soon I will begin to shrink. I can't take it anymore. If he sleeps here tonight so help me I will smother him where he lays."

The lectures were not forthcoming fast enough. The advisor gathered his clothing as he ran past, giving his regards as he rushed to the stables. He did not in fact sleep there another night, in fear of his life I do believe.

All is now peaceful in Mirkwood, and now I must go mark he calendar for I do not think I have ever said that.

Month 7 of Year 3029

The day started out well, though Estel claimed it was too hot. We were entertaining a few of the men of Dale that were passing through, and a picnic by the lake sounded wonderful.

The twins and Estel played in the water, while the men and I sat and watched. Just after the noon day sun the twins and Estel returned to have a bite to eat. The men from Dale looked rather uncomfortable in their leggings and tunics.

After much pleading by Estel they were persuaded to join the children in a quick swim too cool off. As they undressed however I have to admit I was a bit shocked. The older of the three men could have been mistaken for a dwarf he was so hairy. I quickly averted my eyes so that he would not know I had been staring in horror, but I was too late.

"I know I am quite the sight to see," he laughed. "Elves are very lucky not to feel the elements nor having to be born as hairy as a bear. I would give anything to be free from this all."

How he would regret those words later.

We all enjoyed the rest of the day and then we returned to the palace to discuss a few more things before dinner. The men were to leave the following day so I had the cooks make a very large dinner, full of things they could take with them the next morning in their packs. We sat in the Hall of Fire and listened to songs. This is when I noticed Estel staring at the man.

I should have thought it odd then, but I didn't. Everyone left to go upstairs for bed, and I sat on my bed debating whether I should check on the children. I decided against it since all was quiet and laid my head down to sleep. Sometime during the night I thought I heard whimpering noises coming from down the hall, but the sound soon ended, and I regretfully did not go and investigate it.

The next morning I awoke to birds singing at my window, and I stretched feeling refreshed. Today, I thought was going to be a good day. I first went to wake the twins, but they were not in their room. This was not uncommon so I went instead to wake Estel. What I saw when I opened the door shocked me. Tied to a chair was the hairy man, though now his body was void of any hair, and Estel was standing beside him smiling.

"Look Ada! I have gotten rid of all the hair!" he exclaimed.

I rushed to the man's side and removed the gag in his mouth. This is when his rant began. "Your sons tied me to this chair, and then left me here with this maniac! He said he would make me elven, that I would be free from my curse. When I asked him what curse he plucked out the very first hair, holding it up to me as he smiled. When I tried to scream he stuffed a sock in my mouth, saying it was impolite to wake everyone up!"

I was staring now open mouthed I am afraid, and yet he went on. "I thought the week I spent captured and imprisoned by orcs was bad, but this was far worse. Each time your child pulled a hair free he smiled in satisfaction. I have spent the entire night at the mercy of a ten year old!"

The twins entered just then, and tried to slink away, but I was faster. They admitted helping to tie the man up, but had afterward gone to bed. I must say now that the man left in quite a huff, cursing Estel and the House of Elrond as he left. I lectured Estel for over an hour, but he yet does not seem remorseful enough for his deed, claiming he did the man a favor.

I am now in my room pondering fatherhood, and my human son, as Erestor chuckles in the corner. He has commented that at least Estel was diligent in his efforts. Erestor is now lying on the floor as the book I was holding has accidentally hit him in the back of the head. I shall leave before he awakens.

Month 8 of Year 3029

Today I shall speak of the smell of humans. I have never had the displeasure of coming across one that was not too my liking, for I love all races, but my son and the things he does, sigh.

We had just come back from a trip into the valley. Usually we didn't run across many people while there, but it seemed a group of men had come to settle at the bottom. I had gone down to welcome them to the area when the pungent odor hit me.

We spent the next hour testing the ability to hold our breath against the smell of their bodies. Estel however did not seem phased by the smell and even went so far as to sit beside the man, sharing his meal. Being an elf I am not prone to feeling the heat enough to sweat, my son however was dripping wet with sweat.

I had hoped Estel would take a bath upon arrival back home, but since he was asleep already I did not press the issue.

Two days later though Valar forgive me, I could not stand the smell of my child. Of course this is when Estel felt like being near me. I have since cursed elvish senses, and demanded he go and bathe.

It is now much later, and Estel is clean but the smell still lingers in my robes, and in my nostrils.

Month 9 of Year 3029

I was having a very peaceful day when suddenly my ears caught the sound of a child crying. I checked in Estel's room, and he was fine. I followed the noise down to the courtyard and there I found a woman, carrying a babe in her arms.

She asked if she could stay the night, as she was on her way to meet her husband. I of course said yes and ushered them inside. The baby continued to wail even after it was bathed, and fed. The woman asked me to hold him, so that she could prepare his bed. The child instantly calmed for some unknown reason once put into my arms.

I now can admit that the feeling was wonderful, but at the time I did not noticed Estel's behavior. It wasn't till later that night that I realized his insecurities. I awoke to find him standing at the foot of my bed, trying to crawl atop it.

"Estel, you are far too old to sleep with me," I had told him, but he suddenly began to wail. I did not understand, and thought something terribly wrong. I checked him over for cuts or scrapes for he had not sobbed like that in many years, and found nothing.

It was the mother who told me what I did not know. She told me that Estel was merely feeling left out, and he wanted to make sure his father loved him more than the babe he had rocked to sleep. We waved goodbye to her and the baby, and I took Estel out to spend the day with him.

Month 10 of Year 3029

Well, Hallows Eve was fast approaching, and with it a sense of dread. I took Estel aside yesterday and laid down the law. I told him no strangers brought into the house. No burying Glorfindel, no trying to sacrifice my advisor as a virgin, and under no circumstance is he to ever come into my room and dangle from the ceiling in a sheet.

I advised Estel to make something for the occasion, to show us the meaning of the night. I thought this would keep him occupied. I thought there was no way the child could possibly do anything wrong. I checked on him, he looked innocent.

We gathered later that night for cider, and the lighting of the candles. I gave Estel the candy I had bought, and he laid it to the side. He told me then that he and his brothers had made something for me, and went to fetch it.

Now, I thought it was odd that Erestor was not there, but considering past events on this day I thought him to be hiding in his room. This is when my heart was overjoyed. Estel and the twins rolled something over to me, and then pulled the sheet from it.

Beneath the sheet was a statue of Erestor, a balrog at his back, ready to attack. I gasped in amazement at the detail they had put in and praised them for such wonderful art. Estel beamed up at me, and the twins faces turned an alarming shade of red. I did not wish to embarrass them further so I brought them to the fire and we gathered around for scary stories.

The night grew late and I told the boys it was time for bed. I treasured the statue so much that I decided to take it inside with me. True, it was a bit odd how it kept looking at me, but it was the product of what must have been hours of work. After it was safe inside the foyer Glorfindel came to bid me goodnight.

He inquired about Erestor as he had checked his room and he was not there. I waved him off and went to get a cup of tea from the kitchen. The tea was hot and soothing, washing away the slightly bitter taste of the cider from my tongue. The cook chose that moment to come inside rolling pin in hand and bash me upon my head.

"What in Valar's name was that for!" I yelled at her.

The cook apologized over and over but then told me of how she had come into her kitchen earlier to find the boys making cement in her sink. She had scolded them for it, and they had gone. She then told me how she had found robes in the basement, and leggings in the pantry. She told me the final straw had been when she found the under garments in the potato bin.

I thought the cook mental and was going over in my head how best to sedate her, and then it hit me. Erestor was missing, the boys had been very courteous, and under garments had been found in the potato bin. As swiftly as possible I ran for the armor room and grabbed a few hammers, one rather large one, and one very tiny one.

When I got back to the foyer I heaved the hammer high and then with a thunderous blow I brought the hammer down atop of it. The plaster cracked right down the middle, and out fell Erestor, naked and still covered in plaster here and there.

I have to admit now that the rest of the night was no joy either. It seems plaster will not merely come off with water, but instead must be chiseled away. To say a man's dignity is fragile is one thing, to say that you do not wish for him to bend over and spread his cheeks so that you may remove the last bit of plaster from there is another.

I am out of wine and yet I cannot remove the image from my mind. I am thinking I never will.

Month 11 of Year 3029

The day of thanks has arrived once more. This is a special day for me, as I have many things to be thankful for. My health, the children, the lingering smell of fresh baking pies coming from the kitchen.

Since the thought of eating turkey has forever been tainted by Estel, tonight we shall have chicken. I have sent Estel out to play in the gardens with the twins, and Erestor to watch over them to make sure they do not cause any mischief.

I felt safe and secure knowing that Estel could not place anything living in the food. I informed the cooks that we would be eating around six and that they should have the meal ready by then if they could, and went to soak in the tub.

Estel and the twins were playing a game of tag in the gardens when the cook came out to retrieve our dinner. The chickens were caught, and with a swift blow of the axe, their heads removed. Estel did not see this, and I was glad, but of course fate was not kind at all.

The chickens took off in a run straight towards Estel, scattering as they did, no sense of direction. This is the moment Glorfindel came out of the door.

Estel stopped mid-step in the game of tag as the first chicken with no head ran past him, and by the time the third did he was just short of fainting. I believe he would have had Glorfindel not then shouted.

The words, "Catch them before they reach the woods, will forever be burned into both mine and Estel's brain. As the twins chased down the headless chickens Estel stared on in horror, his mouth open, lips moving but no sound coming out. When he did finally speak it was incoherent mumblings, "Chicken ... no head ... chicken ... gone." Nothing says we are having no meat tonight like a headless chicken running across your foot.

Month 12 of Year 3029

The month of Yule is here and the festive colors are all about Imladris. Yule was a fine a dandy occasion, the giving of gifts, the hugs shared, the memories recalled. I enjoyed it so much I went to bed content and at peace. The next morning though was not so peaceful.

What I did not know then, but do now is that Estel has an aversion to peanuts. The discovery was made at breakfast. The table was set with an array of fresh fruits left over from the night before. Estel who is usually ravenous at meal time was eating slowly, his eyes not daring to look up.

"Estel?" I had called to him, but he told me nothing was wrong, other than he thought he was still full from the night before.

The reason behind this hit me and everyone at the table around the same time. I thought I had stepped into some droppings of the horses, and it seems so did everyone else, as there was a scramble to check boots. It was Estel's red face that gave him away. He excused himself, but the smell lingered like an unwanted houseguest.

Knowing he felt embarrassed I followed him up to his room. I sent him to soak in the tub hoping it would ease his stomach ache, and went to check on him. The smell told me straight away that it was not solved. I then gave him a mild herb to soothe him and told him to get some sleep.

It was late in the night when I felt my mattress sag as Estel crawled into my bed. He looked tired, his eyes puffy from lack of sleep. My heart went out to him, and I pulled the covers over him, kissing the top of his head and went back to sleep. Error on my part. I went to roll over in the bed, pulling the sheets up to cover myself when the foul odor hit me.

It was like death, like the rotting matter beneath a rock that had assaulted my senses, and it had come from my child. I slowly crawled from my bed, and in so lifted the covers even more. I am not ashamed to say my eyes watered, the full force of his condition hitting me, and that is when I am sad to say I tiptoed out of the room and went to sleep in his.

A lesson has been learned, my sheets washed, the room aired, and Estel forbidden to eat anymore peanuts whilst he lives in Imladris. 


	10. Chapter 10

Title: Diary of Elrond

Summary: Elrond's diary from his years with Estel

Disclaimer: I do not own them

A/N: This is merely a parody, and AU Any reviews are welcome, flames are amusing. This is also unbetaed

Chapter 10

Month 1 of Year 3030

With the snows of winter also comes the never ending complaints from Estel about being cooped up inside. Though I have spoken with him many times about catching his death from the bitter cold, he does not seem to understand.

After a day of constant pleading, it is sad to say that I gave in. I told Estel that he must bundle up before going outside. Estel returned a few minutes later in a long sleeve tunic and leggings, ready to go. "You must dress warmer than that," I told him, and Estel stomped away muttering.

Several minutes later Estel walked back through the doorway, this time in his winter cloak, but he still had on a single layer of clothes. Again I sent him back out to change his clothes, but Estel did not return for my approval again. I had hoped he changes his mind, but I was wrong it seems.

I got up from my desk just before dinner and walked down he stairs to the dining hall. In the foyer I found a pair of leggings, which must have belonged to one of the twins. After picking them up I noticed a hat sitting next to the door. Opening the door was not much better as on the steps laid a tunic that could not have been Estel's.

My eyes traveled over the trodden down snow and fell upon Estel wearing nothing more than a single boot, and a pair of lace underwear. Estel ran over to me and the rant began.

"How is it you have come to be wearing only these things?"

Estel's face turned redder, as he looked down at his attire that was left. "I put on every piece of clothes that I could find. I lost a tunic on the way down the stairs, and a hat somewhere around the door. When I came outside I jumped in this snowbank and lost two shirts and a pair of leggings."

I was ready to scream, but I motioned for him to continue on. "Well Ada, I then made this snowman, and since he didn't have anything to make him look special I gave him my scarf, and a shirt. I went to play in the tree after that, and when I climbed up, Dan's boot slipped off my foot and landed in the snow under the Birch tree."

I held my hand up for silence, and waited till Estel stopped talking nonstop before I began. "I do not know how you misunderstand such things Estel. I said several layers, but not of those people that you live with, your own! I glanced once again down at my son, and asked what I had wanted to since first I saw him. "Where did you find these?" I asked, motioning towards the lace trimmed undergarment.

Estel's face lit up then. "I found it in Elladan's room. He thought he was clever, hiding it underneath his pillow, but I found it."

Shaking my head I ushered Estel inside. He was sent to bathe in a nice warm bath, while I climbed the stairs to have a talk with Elladan.

Month 2 of Year 3030

I have been told by Estel that it is cold outside, and yet I cannot keep him indoors. I must however keep him indoors today, for today we are having guests over. It seems Gandalf as Estel calls him, has stopped by with Bilbo and a few dwarves.

I am scared for Estel, trying to keep him out of sight of the dwarves who are not known for their ability to keep a secret. Estel is swift though and often slips by the ones who have been issued orders to guard him.

I am feeling rather low at this point as I have excluded Estel from dinner, trying to keep him safe. Though he is older now and understands why this must be, he is not happy about it. The guards have reported that he is driving them insane, and I must say I feel for them.

Night draws near and Gandalf has spoke that he is leaving at dawn's first light. He snuck up to Estel's room, and the two of them had a rather enjoyable chat about dwarves and dragons, and Estel fell asleep content, I thought.

The next morning came and I woke with it. The twins and I went to breakfast after checking in on Estel, to bid Bilbo and Gandalf good-bye. When Gandalf arrived nothing seemed out of the ordinary, that was until the dwarves came down, and Bilbo.

The dwarves beards were all braided and curled, ribbons tying them here and there. Bilbo could not stop scratching his arse, and I found it quite disturbing. I saw them to the door, and found that I had to cough to keep from laughing when I saw one of the dwarves in his blue boots, and red pants, and I knew the culprit.

I went immediately to Estel's room to find him sitting out on his balcony watching them leave. I asked him what he had done and he told me, and I was flabbergasted by what he had done to Bilbo. "You rubbed poison ivy on his britches?"

"Aye Ada, and he should be glad that is all I did. He saw me in the hall and asked me to get a towel for him like I was a servant, and then he told me to get out of the bathing chamber for servants didn't belong in there. Well now he can sit and think about what he said while he scratches himself."

I left the room trying to hide my amusement from him, for a hobbit who has poison ivy rubbed on his britches is a very sad hobbit indeed. I do hope Mithrandir can heal him.

Month 3 of Year 3030

Today Estel turns eleven summers and I wanted to take him on a trip. The twins and I have gathered him, and Erestor to take Estel into Bree. There we shall plan a party, with the healer's family there. I shall advise the healer on new things I have learned, and he will advise me on the healing of men.

The party went off without any problems, and Estel seemed truly happy with his new sword. So happy in fact that he begged to be let outside to practice with it. I was leery as the pub was but a few yards away so I sent two of my guards to watch over him.

Two hours later it was time for us to leave and I sent Erestor to gather Estel and the guards. Erestor returned, his face more ashen than I had seen in some time, and told me I was needed.

Estel it seems is quite cute to the women of Bree and they had taken him inside the pub to show him off. The guards had rebuked the idea, but Estel dragged them inside telling them it would be okay.

When I walked in I found one of my guards being groped by some brazen hussy, her hands in places I was not accustomed to seeing. He quickly jumped up, stammering that the other guard was to watch Estel. I turned to find my son, sitting atop the bar, covered in chocolate, and holding a tankard of what I hoped was not ale. The guard who was supposed to be watching him was also being groped, but not by just one by many women.

"Ada, the guards were bored and the women asked if they could play with them. I said yes, as they seemed like they needed something to do."

Estel knew better, I know he did, so I yanked him out of the pub by his ear. Many of the women became enraged at this, and tried to stop me, but as always Erestor was at my side.

We are now home, and the guards have gone to Lorien to heal from their shame. Erestor is still muttering about being attacked by ten women who made it their personal goal to disrobe him, and leave him laying naked in the street. I have tried to console him, telling him he did his job well, that I was unharmed, but he scowled.

Lesson learned. Erestor will in fact slap you no matter who you are when provoked, and Estel is not to be trusted as the cute factor will win out in the end with other people.

Month 4 of Year 3030

We have left the safety of Imladris and traveled to Lorien. The trip has gone well, and Estel has given me no problems. Galadriel, Celeborn and I have spent the day sipping tea and enjoying the weather, while Estel and the twins have gone off somewhere with Haldir.

"Your son he speaks with a elven accent, and he does not use the foul language I have seen so many of his race use," Celeborn commented.

I beamed with pride at the statement, and continued sipping my tea. it was as dinner neared and Haldir and the others did not return. I began to worry, but Galadriel assured me they would come back. We waited for over and hour before we saw them coming through the woods and by this time Celeborn was quite upset. He was ready to berate Haldir for his lack of consideration until he saw the state the elf warrior was in.

"What has happened to you?" he inquired.

"Happened! Estel has happened. We were walking along and he decided he needed to relieve himself. Now that was fine, but he did this on a wild boar, which attacked us. After the animal was slain we were headed back home, but no Estel decided that we should take a shortcut to get here faster as not to anger you. His shortcut had me falling into a hole, a deep hole, filled with mud and brambles. I climbed out with the twins help, and we started out again. I then found myself in need of a bath. Well, Estel went to wash my clothes in the water, but it was not water, but the urine of a rather large and foul smelling animal. I stink, I have been mauled, and I am ready to kill the son of Elrond with your permission."

"That will not be necessary," Celeborn stated, and sent Haldir to bathe. I on the other hand was furious. How could one child be so devious, so destructive. I grabbed Estel by the ear, dragging him to be scolded and spanked when he yelled that he did nothing wrong. I lost it then, cursing as I stepped in something on the ground ruining my robes. I flung them off and commenced to giving Estel an earful, my mistake.

It seems Lord Celeborn is not accustomed to such foul language and felt I needed a reminder of such. I felt the first waves of shame cross my face when he put me over his knee, and the second when the first smack came down. I must say that I have never in all my life been so shamed as to have a spanking at this age, but I was told it was for speaking such foul language in front of a child.

My bottom is sore for Celeborn's hand is firm, and I am beyond angry. We are headed home in the morning, and I shall be dealing out the same punishment should anyone dare to comment on mine.

Month 5 of Year 3030

It is the time of new life in Imladris. Though elves do not bear children any longer, the animals do. I have been waiting for over two months for Elladan's horse to give birth, and it seems the foal came into this world strangely.

Elladan came to us at breakfast that morning to say the mare was to give birth that day, and after our meal we all went out to see the wonderful event. Well, just as in women, the birth was not going to be an easy one. The mare tried and tried, but the foal was not coming down the birth canal no matter how hard she struggled. "She will need some herbs to bring the baby down, or she may perish," I informed Elladan.

I left Estel to keep watch over the mare while the twins and I went to prepare the herbs we would need. I minced and grinded the herbs, and half and hour later the medicine was ready. We all three went back down to the stables to help the mare in her time of need.

When we entered the stall however I screamed, dropping the vial in the hay. Estel had crawled head first inside the mare, and all that was left in sight were his feet. I panicked, and started tugging on his legs, and soon out he came, covered in goo, with the foal in his arms. The foal was healthy as was her mother, but Estel was rather disgusting.

I have sent him to bathe, telling him his clothes would be thrown out, but I cannot erase the sight of his feet hanging from a horse to save my life. Two bottles of wine later I find that I still see the vision in my head, but I now no longer care. Thank Valar for King Thranduil's wine, for it has served me well.

Month 6 of Year 3030

Summertime in Imladris brings about a shouting child as he runs in and out of the door to play outside. I have spoken to him about it, but it is useless, and I find myself laughing. Erestor today was bragging about how he had gone months now without an incident. I told him not to gloat, but he has and now I await the brutal outcome I am sure will befall him.

It didn't take long actually, as Estel ran in begging to be taken down to the river. Normally I keep him away from there at this time of the month for there is often large reptiles seen there, but he begged to go. Erestor as I mentioned is far too cocky and actually agreed to take Estel down while I finished up a few papers, so that I could join them at lunch.

When I arrived however I did not see Estel or Erestor, but I did see their belongings torn to shreds and I was alarmed. I shouted for them, and Estel called back to me. Listening for his voice I found him on the other side of the river, but he was sitting atop of a crocodile. I freaked out and started screaming, reaching for my sword only to find it was not there. I reached for the nearest branch and commenced to beating the crocodile about the head, hoping that it would release my son. When it didn't move I then resolved that I would have to jump on it.

I gathered my robes and tossed them onto the bank, and with a gulp of air I jumped onto the back of the crocodile. Estel turned to me then and spoke. "Ada, be leery of his mouth. He only just finished eating Erestor's boots."

I was shocked that my son seemed so calm with an animal that was more than capable of eating him, but he sat there atop the animal, his small hands grasping its head. Two minutes later I had flung him to the shore, and walked out myself with only a few nicks taken out of my clothing. Erestor though was not so lucky.

"Estel are you well?" I asked, searching him for any signs of a wound, and when I found none I sank down on the bank of the river, as the croc lazily swam away.

Estel jumped up. "Erestor saw the croc and tried to save me, but the croc grabbed him by his robes and started gnawing on them. I went to help Erestor but he screamed for me to leave him alone." Estel pouted.

Erestor came from behind the tree then, sporting many bruises, a few gashes and a very long scratch along his backside. "You sent me to the river with some kind of crocodile lover! I was trying to save the boy, and he was trying to save the crocodile! It tore my robes off and Estel swatted at it, which in turn made it angry so it ate my boot, taking with it a pinkie toenail. I then told Estel it was dangerous so he saw fit to save me."

"He was trying to help you mellon nin surely you can see that," Elrond told his advisor as they made their way back to the palace.

"Help me? He was in peril and I knew you would sooner send me to live in Thranduil's dungeons than for me to come back with a story of how he perished so I jumped on the beast. The animal tried to drown me. it ate my clothing piece by piece, till I thought surely he would kill me. All that time Estel is atop his back, holding on for dear life, claiming that if he let go I would hurt the lovely crocodile. I shall volunteer for nothing else. My boots are gone, my robes in shreds and my underwear is in the stomach of a crocodile."

I stood amazed as Erestor walked with head held high naked into the palace. Estel however was telling me how he wished to make the crocodile a pet. I have my work cut out for me, but first I must put stitches in Erestor's arse.

Month 7 of Year 3030

I had thought my son horrible. I think of him sometimes as a nuisance, sent to rid me of all my sanity till I am a drooling idiot sitting in the corner, but he always surprises me.

Today I was all set to go out and spend the day with my sons, but Elladan told me of a family of elves that was requesting food and shelter. I knew my family was expecting this day out, but when I saw the elves I could not leave them.

The family consisted of a mother and father, and two small elflings, and from the looks of them they hadn't seen a happy moment in quite some time. I turned to Estel, to tell him we could not go on our outing, but Estel had other plans.

"Why can we not take them with us Ada?" I thought to myself that these elves needed food, shelter, not a day out by the river, but then I saw the hope in the elfling's eyes, and I relented.

Off we went my sons and this small family. They were quiet but friendly and Estel it seemed was making a new friend. I sat out the blanket and the food, and called Estel over. "Why do you not eat and then we can go for our swim."

Estel stood up and started passing out the food, Elladan pouring the drinks of tea and cider. Estel who usually eats more than both twins combined, ate only half his sandwich, but I saw him give the other half to the elfling girl. It was a proud moment, but none more so than when he dragged us all into the river.

We splashed and played, but the mother and father sat on the shore watching. It was Estel who got out of the water and walked up to them, and only my keen hearing picked up what they said. "Won't you come in the water and play with us?" he asked them. They tried to refuse telling Estel they had nothing but their dirty clothes on, to which Estel replied that they would be clean when they got out.

Once we came out of the river I was prepared to return back to the palace, and noticed that the two elflings had fallen asleep. The twins carried them back, Estel hot on their heels.

The next morning I sent the family off with Glorfindel to a small house on the outskirts of Imladris. They would be happy there I hoped, and I sent a bundle of food with them. To the father I gave a sword as he had lost his, and the son I gave a bow as he was of age. It wasn't till I went to collect Estel and found him still in his night clothes that I found out what he had done. "Why are you not dressed Estel?"

"I don't have any clothes to wear Ada," he told me, pulling on his boots.

"Estel, you have four outfits in the drawer. Put one on and come to breakfast."

When Estel did not move I went to his drawer to get them out myself, but I found no clothes. "Where are your clothes Estel?"

"I gave them to the elfling Ada. He needed them more than I did, and he didn't have anything but rags. You said we should share with those less fortunate."

A new wardrobe would be on the agenda first thing today, but it was a small price to pay to know that my son had the biggest heart of us all.

Month 8 of Year 3030

I do not know what has come over me today, but I have decided that we shall go for a walk in the woods near Imladris. Of course Glorfindel had a fit, saying that we would be easy targets for any and all who would wish us harm. I of course told him I was more than capable of keeping my family from harm but he would not shut up until I told him he could follow behind us at a distance.

We walked all the way to the edge of the woods, me sighing, knowing that a group of at least ten guards, Glorfindel in the lead were following us. I was going at a leisurely pace, the twins and Estel behind me.

I stopped to admire a cluster of flowers, roses they were out in the middle of the forest. I called to the boys to look at them, and they too thought it strange. I was so preoccupied that I did not see Estel slip away to relieve himself, but the guards did.

Estel did not pay attention to where he went, he just went, but the guard it seems got a little too close. It had only been twenty minutes into the day out and one of the guards was on his way back to Imladris for fresh clothing.

The day went on without a hitch until they arrived at the Bruinen. The water was slightly higher than normal and Elrond was busy with the twins, and had not noticed Estel hurriedly slipping his boots off and heading for the river's edge. The rocks near the edge were slippery and just as Estel went to fall head first in a hand reached out and grabbed him. Estel fought against the hand, and snatched his arm from its grasp. Little did he know that the guard holding him lost his footing and was sent downstream.

Six hours later the boys and I headed back, and this is where I found something peculiar. As we entered the palace we were met by a very irate Glorfindel. "My Lord, your attention is needed in the healing wards," he informed me, but I knew of no skirmish. When I asked him of it that is when I got more than an earful.

"Your son in the course of one day has taken out nine guards. One he urinated on by accident, causing the deer to chase the guard back to the palace. Two fell into the hole he dug out at lunch, twisting their ankles. Three of the guards tried to save him, thinking the boy would slip and fall into the river only to be snatched and caught of guard. Those three went over the falls. The other four were mauled by the wild boars when Estel decided that to leave a trail of bread crumbs behind him on your walk back."

I must admit I burst out laughing. Funny how the saviors became the victims of an eleven year old and his day out.

Month 9 of Year 3030

The phrase do as I say and not as I do comes to mind today. I have spent the last four days in meeting, preparing for the upcoming visit of my in laws. Of course I was pressured, getting this and that ready for their arrival, and spent many nights trying to ease the headaches away with a few glasses of wine. I admit now how wrong that was.

The day finally came and with it Galadriel, Celeborn and their most loyal guards. I had made everything just so, their beds turned down, the silk sheets upon the bed. I even prepared the goose liver pate' that Celeborn enjoys so much though I find it entirely disgusting.

It was as the night wore on that I became more than a little annoyed with Estel. He had spent all day long asking silly questions, and making a nuisance of himself. "If you would only act as I would then I would not be so annoyed," I finally told him before escorting our guests out to the gardens. This had been my fatal mistake, my lack in judgement that I would not soon forget.

As we sat sipping tea Estel came back out, being chased by his brothers, but the child was a bit to cunning this once. It his hand was Haldir's bow, and I wondered why he had it. I did not wonder for long. "Give Haldir back his bow Estel!" I told him, but the child did not.

"A naked dwarf in the middle of winter with freshly shaven nether regions could aim better than Haldir." I realized these had been my drunken words, earlier in the week, when I thought of how the guard boasted that Noldor elves could not shoot a bow.

I stood ready to slap my son I must admit, but he ran around the table, and grabbed up two crackers, one with the goose liver the other without. "If I were to do this," Estel said, wiping the other cracker across his arse. "Would you be able to tell the difference in taste or not Grandfather? I hear that goose liver is much like the droppings of a horse, so my own arse will have to do this once."

"That is quite enough!" I shouted, as I glanced at the stunned faces of both Galadriel and Celeborn, but then Estel went too far. Faster than I could grab him he snatched up Galadriel's mirror that had been sitting on a pedestal in the gardens. It was not often she traveled without it, and I knew this was not going to be good.

Estel began urinating into Galadriel's mirror and that is when my heart stopped. The twins who were standing behind me gasped in horror, and I fell to my knees as Estel spoke his next words. "I bet even your mirror didn't see that coming."

Estel has been properly spanked and then made to apologies, but I do not think I will ever recover from seeing Galadriel and Celeborn's face. Thousands of years of war and mayhem, and hey have never seemed shocked, until tonight. Estel may not be allowed back in Lorien, and I must never speak ill of my family unless at least a hundred miles from the prying ears of a child.

Month 10 of Year 3030

The All Hallows Eve Festival is set to begin tomorrow and I for one am anticipating that Estel will try to do something so I have sent him on a task. He is forever into something in the kitchens so I have given him the task of making dinner. I would regret this at a later time.

Estel prepared what I thought was a harmless meal. There were vegetables, and fresh pork, not too mention he even helped the cooks make cider which he knows I love. I began to eat right away, wondering what new flavor it was that had been added to the meat to make it taste so odd, but after a few sips of the cider it was much better.

About half way through the meal I looked up to see that neither of the twins were eating and I questioned them. "Ada, it is not that I do not love Estel, it is I value my health more. I shall simply eat the bread," Elladan replied to me. I in return hushed him before he hurt his brother's feelings.

Once dinner was over we all adjourned to the Hall of Fire. We listened to songs, watched the elves dance, and my stomach began to protest rather loudly. Much to my dismay I belched loudly, and was so ashamed. The next thing I felt was sick to my stomach, a feeling I did not treasure. "Estel what did you put in dinner tonight?" I asked as my face broke out in a cold sweat.

"I did nothing special Ada. I cut up the vegetables, but the knife the cooks use was too big so I took Glorfy's dagger instead. I also know you do not like when the cook burns your meat so I made sure not to overcook it and I also added some of the herbs that were sitting by the table."

My face grew whiter but it was Glorfindel who stood up and began ranting. "My dagger? I used that dagger to shave the horses' hooves with today, and then I placed the shavings in a jar on the table. You have poisoned your father Estel."

Estel's face fell, but it was my stomach that revolted and I found myself instead losing my lunch into Erestor's lap. I do not recall being half carried, half dragged to bed, nor do I recall Erestor's face though I wish I had.

The bad thing was that Estel felt guilty over poisoning me, and decided to make me feel better. As I slept away the poison from my system, Estel was busy inside my stock of herbs, mixing and pouring different things into a cup.

All I heard was "drink this" and I quietly complied thinking it Glorfindel giving me more medicine. I did not know it was Estel, for I was delirious at the time.

The next morning I felt much worse, my stomach protesting even more than the night before. I told the children to go and celebrate without me, that Gandalf would be there with fireworks and they should not miss them. I in turn laid in the bed, miserable, feeling as if someone had pulled my stomach inside out.

When the first firework went off I tried to stand to see it. At first the room swayed, but then I got my bearings, and headed out the door of my room. My usual keen sight was now making me see double, and as I passed the stockroom I saw the door left open. I went to close it, but I noticed several jars empty. I went inside and looked at the labels and recalled the night before when someone handed me something to drink. It had not been Erestor or anyone else other than Estel. I remembered his sad look, and the cup in his hand, and as I stared at the empty bottles of various things, I felt sick again.

The second firework went off and I began to mumble to myself about children who fed you crushed beetles, and finely minced hooves, not to mention the other things. As I passed by I could hear the ghost stories that Erestor was telling the elflings in the Hall of Fire, and one such elfling who was standing in the hall began screaming about a ghost as he saw me.

I ignored the elfling and made it outside. My face was sweating, and I felt my stomach rumble again, but I walked onward. "Estel!" I screamed. "You have yet again poisoned me!" I told him, and everyone there stopped what they were doing as I came to stand by Gandalf.

"You are as pale as a ghost," Elrohir said. I saw the pumpkins all lit up, and the cider in the big barrel off to the side. I wanted some of that cider but as I stepped forward the rumbling in my stomach did something quite unexpected. With a rather loud noise I soiled myself, and there was no way in my crazed state that anyone was going to know. While being as discreet as I could I crept back to stand next to Gandalf and gathered the bottom of his robes.

As fast as I could I wiped the mess from my backside, and scooted away. Gandalf and the twins stared at me as it seems I still had a piece of robe gathered between the cheeks of my backside. I wanted to explain but how could I? It was however too late and another rumble sent another wave of filth. Gandalf stood, too shocked to move, muttering about friends who used his robes for cleaning their arses. I would have been shamed, but there was no where to run to as I lay on the ground, soiling myself over and over with each new rumble.

Gandalf decided to strip from his robes, and yet forgot it seems that he was naked underneath. Glorfindel shielded Estel's eyes, while Erestor fainted. The end result was I owed Gandalf a new robe and the twins doused me with water from a pail till I was clean enough to pick up.

I feel better now, but I may never live down the humiliation. The stories of my deeds that night are horrifying from kissing the cook, to wiping my arse with the robes of my friend, to begging the twins to sew me nether region shut. Estel has since been banished from making dinner, and I have taken to eating only what has been tasted first by the twins. That will teach them to laugh at me.

Month 11 of Year 3030

Thanksgiving and a new day of giving thanks. I love this tradition of the humans. Each year I am amazed at how thoughtful my sons become, and I am glad to call myself their father. This year as we sat down at the table, the cooks brought out all the food. Everything looked marvelous, and I have to admit my mouth watered at the sight of it.

I poured the wine, even a small glass for Estel and prepared to hear the thanks of each of my children and friends. The twins moved me to tears with theirs, as well as Erestor. Next was Estel's turn and I motioned for him to begin.

Estel stood from his chair, smiling at all in the room and began what would be a revelation. "I would first like to thank Glorfindel for not being mad when tried to mail him to Valinor. The tape was rather hard to remove from some areas. I would like to thank Erestor for never telling on me when I took his favorite book to the loo, and when I ran out of paper used its last page, so that he didn't know how it ended. By the way the wife did it. I would like to thank the twins, for it was I who stole your clothes as you bathed in the river. I did not know you would have to walk past the formal guests naked. Last but not least Ada, I would like to thank you for not punishing me when you drank the cow urine. You see I did not want you to know I was playing in the stockroom so when you asked what was behind my back I told you it was tea and put a tea bag in it. I am thankful to have such a loving family."

Estel sat down but then the screaming started. After I pried four sets of hands from Estel, I ate my meal, though I could not get the taste of the tea out of my mind. Thanksgiving is over and I am from now on going to be watching Estel more closely.

Month 12 of Year 3030

It is Yule again and all of Imladris is covered in decorations of holly, and colorful lights. Each of us spent the day wrapping last minute gifts and hiding others till tomorrow morning. It was a long an exhausting day, and more than once I found myself losing my temper with Estel. I now haven't seen him since dinner, and I wonder where he has gotten off too.

I searched the Hall of Fire and then asked the twins, but neither had seen him. There was only one other place, and I opened the door quietly. There on his bed was Estel, one gift still unwrapped in his arms. I went to cover him, staring down at the innocent face that only sleep can bring, and that is when I spotted the gift.

Early in the year I had spoken of a scabbard the Elros had given to me. It had been carved with delicate symbols of both elves and men. I treasured it but it had been lost in a battle with orcs near the forests of Mirkwood years before. Tears filled my eyes that Estel would remember such a small story, that he head months before.

I would act surprised the next day when he handed it to me, but for now I would go to bed knowing that even though he is the smallest in the House of Elrond, he is the most receptive at times. 


End file.
